For those people who dislike reading about gooey love and the feelings associated with falling in love, this post isn’t for you.
 
Yea sure, I was once one of those people who hated and got so annoyed seeing couples happy and in-love all over social media. I even unfollowed and unfriended people because of this unknown disliking. But why?
 
Why do many of us hate seeing people happy and in-love? From personal experience I believe it’s mainly jealously and past pain. I was jealous of these people, because I’ve been hurt in the past and I’m sure many of you have been too. I was jealous that they had found someone significant, someone who loved them wholly and truly. To me love was a myth, I thought I knew what it was and what it meant but gosh I was wrong.
 
So I envied these people and did not want to be reminded of what I had nothing of.
 

 
Have you ever had butterflies in your stomach or that warm/gooey feeling when a certain someone is around you? It’s hard to explain but i’ll try…
 
Your eyes widen, the air smells fresher and your day is instantly more lively and bright. Your legs weaken and your heart starts to beat faster and stronger like it’s about to burst out of your chest. The butterflies are trying to eat their way out of your stomach and there’s so much oxytocin in your system you feel like you’re about to melt into a puddle of loved up goo. Your brain is freaking out because it’s trying to comprehend how on Earth it’s managed to impress someone to a degree where they love you for who you truly are and want to be with you and just you.
 
 
I thought I’d never get to feel those feelings ever or even for a long time. I didn’t think I was ever worthy of these feelings.
 

 
Until I met him…                                                            (Here comes the loved up goo)
 
As soon as we met and started chatting I knew I was in love with him. Although I didn’t really know what love was meant to feel like.
Even though the next few months of us ‘seeing’ each other it was so difficult for me to understand him and try to get him to open up to me. He was mysterious and quiet and I was so intrigued by him.
 
I knew he wasn’t the type of person to immediately open up and be vulnerable but I was willing to try to see the side most people didn’t see. Months went by and I started to feel those butterflies in my stomach. I tried so hard to mute them because to me I was given the impression that he wasn’t interested in me at all. I was expecting him to end what we had at any given moment. I constantly told myself ‘Don’t get you’re hopes up girl, Don’t bother’
 
I wanted him to want me so bad but I didn’t have any hopes of it turning into anything. I kept telling myself that so I wouldn’t get hurt.
He then told me he was leaving to go overseas. My heart sank as he told me that. I made it seem like I was cool with it, like it didn’t phase me but it did. It killed me more than I thought it would, because those butterflies were telling me to feel something.
 The only thing that I could think was I meant nothing to him and he’d leave for Europe and that was it. Done. But a part of me was telling me to stay and have trust. Me having trust? Yea right… But I invested some trust and the month went by so slowly and he returned.
 

 
 
I missed him. And he was the same person and no trust had been broken.
 

 
 
 
I had formed feelings for him while he was away, strong feelings. I wanted to tell him how I felt for such I long time but I was scared. Scared of rejection.
 But one night upon his return, I told him ‘I love you’ and I instantly apologised and felt like an idiot. I don’t know why I said it because when I said it, I don’t actually remember thinking about saying it. It just came out, my feelings, my heart and those fucking butterflies took over and they wanted him to hear it.
 
 
 
He didn’t say it back or anything in fact. And I knew I fucked up and ruined everything. But then he said ‘I feel the same way’ and smiled. I didn’t think in a million years he’d respond like that. My heart instantly skipped and instantly filled with warmth and hope. And on that night we both knew our feelings for the first time. We had fallen in-love. And that night I felt that unexplainable feeling.
 
 
 
Honestly go with your heart, even when you’re full of doubt and fear. Appreciate what you have or work on what you don’t. Work on loving and appreciating yourself and someone whether it be a He or a She will notice it and barge into your life and turn your normal into something extraordinary. Don’t give up on love if you’ve been hurt. Don’t hate on other people’s happiness because of your own insecurities or bitterness.
 
 
I’m blessed and I’m lucky.
 
 
 
“ You’re everything I’ve wanted and I hope I am too.
I’ll never break your heart. 
I love you “
 
STAY POISONOUS, Love Cee
 
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Published by Caitlin Gmuer