The title says it all. Heartbreak.
In a way I feel guilty for posting this but I feel like I need to. To let some weight off my shoulders, and hopefully give someone some guidance and a feeling of assurance. This isn’t a hate speech or a rant, it’s purely self-expression and how i’ve felt and how I still feel from past experience. And I’m sure many, if not all of you have had your heart-broken or have broken someone else’s at some point. I have broken someones heart, I’m guilty of that. It killed me and it’s something i’ll regret forever.

It’s almost been two years since my heart was broken and my life had changed for the better. It’s still not fully mended but will it ever mend?

I know so many broken hearts, mine included. And each story is just as uniquely terrible and soul shattering. But nothing can compare to seeing your best friend go through the same suffering you went through. It pained me to hear the shaky voice retell what happened and see the tattered soul try to look strong and unfazed about the whole situation. When inside they were withering away.

 Everyday something reminds me of what was and it turns a part of me more cold. And I hate that. I hate that I still carry around such bitterness towards one person, but how can you not? After they basically ripped your fragile heart out, gave it to someone else and your left to try to rebuild that void.
A midst all the pain I lost my myself. I lost who I was. I was starting to familiarise myself with the emotions I was feeling and began to drive myself into the ground without me even realising it. The feeling of heartbreak soon turned into a sort of depression.
Shit… This wasn’t supposed to happen after a break up right? You are meant to be fine that next week and move on like nothing even happened? Pfft Yeah right. The sadness started to creep in and start to make itself at home.  It stayed for a few months. For me to feel sorry for myself and not good enough for anything or anyone, really started to anger me. I felt trapped in this mindset, in the same cycle of doing the same thing week in week out and trapped in this stupid town. I remember crying one morning and thinking ‘ I need to get away’,  I impulsively made a decision I was going to pack up what was left of me and start fresh. I couldn’t stand living here any longer. I set a date for myself and two or so months later that was it.



REPAIRED HEART (Kintsugi Study, #4) 2015 – by TJ VOLONIS

Yes it hurt and of course you will move on and start to forget. You don’t have to pack up and move to get away from the past, like I did. Unless you feel it’s right. Time is the only thing that can mend you. Although the memory will never leave you as much as you’d love it too, it won’t. I found the best way to not think about the hurt was to stay busy. As minuscule and as petty as it sounds, it really does help.
I went to work for the 8 or 9 hours of the day, I exercised, ate healthy and tried to not eat whole blocks of chocolate in one sitting, I reached out to my stunning friends and supportive family and tried to spend as much time drinking red wine with them as possible. (one bottle is always appropriate). I started writing down how I felt that day and what I was thankful for. It started to ease, knowing I had a plan and a support network around me. Knowing I had something to work towards kept me focused and distracted. That is why setting goals are so important to me. In the end you’re only human, we forget that. We get hurt and we heal. 

In a way I’m Thankful for my heartbreak and that experience, it let me realise I was the creator of my own happiness and helped me discover how strong I could become. To never let anyone drag  you so far down, you forget how to swim. Because life goes on, you grow, you learn to love again and start to see the horizon you never thought you’d see. Keep your head up, you matter.

Published by Caitlin Gmuer