I take the metro everyday to work. The trip takes around 15 minutes and by the time I arrive at the office, it's 7:30. The door is usually locked because the other employees start coming at 8:05 and I don't have an ID login because I'm an intern.

So I stand at the door for 30 minutes, give or take, waiting for someone to come and unlock the door. 

I hate standing at the door. I hate feeling like I have to wait on people. I hate the helplessness of it. 

So yesterday, I took a personal vow that I'm going to find a nice cafe to sit in instead of waiting at the door. But when I arrived at the metro station today? Forget it. I wasn't going to search for a cafe. I was going to go and wait in front of the door because it was routine and familiar. You see, my anxiety is a fucked up thing. Everyday while taking the metro I spasm. I worry that people look at me and somehow know about my anxiety.

Which, oh trust me I know, doesn't make any sense because people with anxiety don't look any different than people with no anxiety. But I guess that's the whole point of anxiety; it puts weird ideas in your head. 

So come on, here's an imagination exercise for ya. Humor me and participate. A 5'5 girl, with a blue laptop bag, going down the escalator with a heavy heart, dreading the 30 minute wait. I reach the bottom, step off, and hmmm J maybe you should at least try to search for a cafe and if not a cafe then at least a waiting area. This is metro station for the love of God, there must be one somewhere, right?????  I stopped walking, took a slow look around me, and there it was. A sign of a person sitting on a chair with a watch above his head and an arrow under him. I held my breath and moved in the direction indicated. The rows of metallic benches were a glorious site and I know I've seen better things in my life (or else that'd be really sad), but at that instant, those benches seemed like they were the best thing I've laid my eyes on.

That wasn't so hard now, J, was it?

Published by Jinan H