Written 02/09/16

I'm on the Metra Electric Commuter train riding downtown for another interview. I enjoy freelance writing but honestly it can become lonesome. I want to experience a different environment when I "go to work". I want to meet other adults, network, and learn things that don't come from a book or blog.

However, this search has exhausted me. I have been looking consistently for nearly a year. For a position that suits my skills (allows me to write) And pays enough to cover daycare for two toddlers.

I have been going all out with my interviews. 
1. Printing my portfolio on resume paper (title page, custom cover letter, writing samples, references, and transcripts) and placing them in a presentation sleeve for the interviewer to keep.
2. Picking the perfect grey, blue, or black dress/skirt suit
3. Making sure my makeup application was flawless
4. Researching the company to the point of memorizing the vision and mission statements
5. Making sure my hair is perfect (not ethnically styled)
6. Seeking train fair (or car fair and/or toll fair) and childcare on a very limited budget. 
7. Constantly researching interviewing techniques.

And the list goes on. That is a large investment of time, energy, and money...only to receive a mass produced rejection email, with no explanation or feedback. I'm an extremely optimistic person but I am certainly not above discouragement.

But before I saddle up that pony (motivation to combat discouragement)...maybe it's not discouragement as much as it is, a reality check. The reality is, sometimes you can do your best and still not get the desired result. Maybe I need to calm down. Maybe I shouldn't be so emotionally invested and quite honestly desperate. Maybe I should trust God to open the right door and close the wrong ones. If I trust HIM to close the wrong doors, I won't be dismayed when that door slams shut in my face. It would be the equivalent of a door closing in my face right before a dog ran through it and bit me. I should be relieved when these doors close, because they aren't God's perfect will for my life.

But when you sew so heavily into anything, repeatedly-- it's hard to be relieved when it doesn't pan out. That's why today...in this blistering cold 21 degrees weather, I have on pants instead of one of my suit dress, my puff coat instead of my trench coat, and my most comfortable black flats instead of my "interview" pumps. I didn't take down my twisted hair, nor jam a million bobbi pins into my scalp to "tame" it. I printed resume copies on actual copy paper, and my only makeup is lip gloss with a slight tint. I will skim the company website on my phone for about 5 min before I walk in the building. I won't laugh flatteringly hard at the interviewer's jokes. I won't mentally plan my attire for my first week there after I am hired. I won't obsess and then call it excellence.

I will be calm, and I will be confident, knowing that the perfect suit skirt won't get me the job-- nor will fancy resume paper nor vast knowledge of the company's history.

Because the Grace of God and HIS will are the pillars of obtaining the good, perfect, and acceptable position-- not my works.

Don't misunderstand me, I will give every interview 100%. I owe that to myself. But I know where my help comes from-- the creator of Heaven and Earth. And if I make an idol out of any opportunity, my God will smash it-- as HE does all false Gods.

I have told my heavenly Father that this career hunt was totally submitted to HIM, but today is the first day that my behavior paired up with those words. 
It's time to truly give it all over to HIM.

Alright I'm done :-)

Published by Kamesha Hayes