I am a vegetarian (please don’t stop reading because you no longer find me to be relatable.) Out of fear of being a stereotypical vegetarian I try to avoid identifying myself as this as often as possible. I’ve been through strings of euphemisms such as “just not being a meat person,” or “not a fan of the texture.” But the reality of it is that I haven’t eaten meat in years and I don’t plan to start again anytime soon.

 

So how does one live as a vegetarian in different cultures, especially cultures centered around ham (I’m looking at you, Spain.) I have compiled some poor advice that I just came up with a couple of minutes ago that probably won’t help you, but will rather give you a glimpse into my poor problem-solving skills:

 

  • Watermelons. Eating an entire watermelon for dinner is not nutritious nor is it a pleasant sight. But, watermelons taste nice. Will you be malnourished if you adopt the habit of eating watermelons and watermelons only? Most certainly. Will you be known as “that creepy watermelon kid”? Yep. Will you end up developing a burning loathing of this large fruit. Indeed. Maybe you shouldn’t listen to me…

  • Bread. Bread, even cheaper than watermelons and easy to carry. Walk around a local club with a loaf of bread and trust me, you’ll be making friends left and right. Again, people will think you’re a little off, but who wants to be normal anyways?

  • Beware of baby eels. Do not mistake baby eels for spaghetti. You will be very displeased and have stomach pain for four and a half days.

  • Go to a vegetarian restaurant and split a meal with someone because that stuff is expensive regardless of what country you’re in.

  • Hang out around dogs. When someone feeds you meat and you don’t want to seem disrespectful, just give it to a dog. It is a win-win situation.


The best advice comes from experience and lucky for you, I have an unfortunate amount of that.  Now you can your almond-milk based cake and eat it too!