One thing I have learned in my life is to always speak the truth. I cannot even begin to mention how many times I have lied in my life and I was always greeted with a hard punch in the face and the gut. It left me motionless and unable to move as the tears bombarded me and I felt worthless. I truly believe that being true to yourself and to those around you, you are truly the most beautiful person in the world.  There’s nothing fake about who you are, there’s nothing shameful or obscene. Its just you and that certainly shows what your character is made of. I have learned a great deal from those who are incredible inspirations around me, most of them family, friends and even strangers. 


            I knew a young girl one time that lied to herself everyday. She would wake up in the morning, putting on her black spandex pants and oversized shirt, not even bothering to look into the mirror for it was covered with a sheet and in the middle was a poster of some supermodel. “That’s what I look like.” She said everyday. Never mind the terrible stretch marks on her skin and the bloated firmness of her belly and ankles as she grabbed her book bag and left for school. Each day she would take her hard earned money and stop by the neighbor café to grab herself some deep fried foods for her breakfast and grab an extra sandwich for a snack.  She would do this daily, never wanting anyone to know her secrets underneath it all. She lied to herself about people liking her and being her friend. She lied to herself that she was popular and well known. She lied to herself thinking that she was this important somebody that was the most beautiful person in creation.


            One day that dream was dominated by reality when a car accident woke her up out of her lying phase. The doctor had said that thankfully since this young girl was fat, she lived through this accident. Along with that, the many stares she got, the silent snickers she heard throughout her classes, the zero phone calls she got from boys and the clothes that she had that didn’t ever fit all became clear to her. She wasn’t what she dreamed of. That was someone else, someone who had it all. This girl finally pulled the sheet off her mirror and looked at who she really was. She saw the truth and the truth saw her. As the tears poured from her eyes the destination as finally clear. The girl wanted to become who she had dreamed of. No more lies, no more pretending. That gets you nowhere; it makes you miserable and creates this giant web of never ending sadness and guilt that you just cannot climb out of. This girl jumped. I jumped.


            I was ashamed of what I had done to myself back then, how poorly I treated myself because at the time it was the only way to let out all the feelings I had bottled inside, the troubles I had with school, with family, with my parents and friends, with depression and being lonely. That food was my best friend. That best friend taught me to lie, taught me to pretend so I could keep going down that path of uncertainly, of doubts and make believe. I didn’t want to lie anymore. I wanted to find out who I was and what I was capable of. I was afraid I know that now. I was afraid of change, of stepping out of my comfort zone. God knows the darkness is so easy to hide in, its so comforting and safe, but also fake and not real.  So does the truth really set you free? It did for me in this situation in my life. Lying to yourself about who you are is one of the most dehumanizing things anyone could ever do to themselves. I wasn’t going to do that anymore and couldn’t. I wanted to be me. Sunny. And Damn it. That’s what I was going to be.




Published by Sunny White