I put myself through so much bullshit to learn simple lessons. I remember being young and explaining to my mom, "You telling me what's going to happen doesn't do anything but tell me what could possibly happen. Until I'm actually put in that situation and experience it for myself, I'll never learn." She would tell me, still do, how stupid that was and remind me how hard of a life I would have. Like my life wasn't already hard. I've always had to make hard decisions and without complaining dealt with the consequences of the bad decisions. What I can't, and still don't, understand is if it's my life and I'm the one having to live it, why does it matter what I do? It wasn't until my teens I learned decisions affect those around you too. Considering how wishy washy, phony, and selfish people can be, would someone playing the fence be affected? If you're disregarded in their decisions making and they could care less about their choices affecting you, should you even bother considering their feelings AT ALL? If you're talked about by the people that surround you, then fuck em! right? I can't comprehend who's meant by those around you?


   I figured "those" were referring to your children or spouse, concluding that since I didn't have any children, someone I'm with or anyone depending on me that I could do as I please. Don't know if that's right or wrong but I still feel I can. I had a conversation with a friend earlier about the lack of consideration of my feelings from the people in my life and how wrong I found that to be considering how selfless I am. They responded, "people are assholes and only care about themselves, even when it doesn't concern them. You're not selfish, shit you offered me dinner when we started talking!" My ex would call me a narcissist, Selfish, disloyal, unfaithful, even though it was him being selfish and unfaithful. How'd I not see he was talking about himself? Should I have considered those warnings? Ugh, I'm such a stupid bitch. When you wrong someone, do you still deserve the privilege of having them care about you? 

I've said this so many times before and I honestly mean it, I don't get people!! When I don't understand something, I HAVE to figure it out or else it'll drive me insane. You don't even want to know what not understanding people makes me want to do. I mentioned earlier one's actions affecting those around them, and only considering spouse, children, immediate family those who could be affected. Well, I'm going to explain my thinking regarding a situation and please, tell me if I'm wrong. If I am, I owe someone an apology. If not, don't be afraid to say so. That person will read this and when they see it's not just me thinking this way, They'll leave me alone.

   When in a relationship, the decisions made by whoever, affects them both. Right? It'd only be right to not only keep one another involved in each other's lives but involve one another especially in decisions or situations that'd affect them. Correct? If one spouse decides they don't have to explain anything, withholding information. Ultimately choosing to take the lead and make decisions for the two, Do they both share the blame when the plan goes to shit? If one expressed to the other knowledge of their lies, should the liar DRAG those lies out? It's one thing to take something to your grave, but when someone knows, what's being taken to the grave? Should loyalty be expected from one who's deceitful? When you betray trust, how could you think things to stay the same? When you lie, everything you say being questioned is to be expected, right?


   I'm the type of person that base everything off actions. YOU CAN'T SHIT ON ME AND EXPECT ME TO GIVE EVEN THE SLIGHTEST FUCK ABOUT YOU! My friend mentioned earlier me being selfless, and this isn't my first time being told that. My selfless decisions are made with the intention of making someone else's life easier, better, happier! If my actions aren't doing that, my selflessness and myself aren't needed and should go elsewhere. I'm not an ass-kisser, but I am a firm believer in not biting the hand that feeds you! I believe what goes around ALWAYS comes back around. TABLES DO TURN, so best believe, you'll reap what you sow. You most certainly get what you put out there. I played a fool for far too long and it damn near drove me insane. I don't know how many times I expressed concern for my mental state and considering professional help, NOT FOR MY SAFETY but for the safety of those around me (really those who've hurt me). No one cared and people kept on doing as they pleased. Now I want to do as I please and I'm wrong. REALLY NOW? How's that?

Published by ShylahBoss Lee