He has a brain tumor and he only has three months to live.

I never knew until he died. I never knew until I came rushing to the hospital when his mother called me, and he passed away seconds when I arrived. I never knew what real heartbreak feels like until I look at him there … lying in bed with his white gown and his eyes closed, and the truth that he will never going to wake up again.

I never knew … until it was already too late. A part of me wants to convince myself that it was just another joke he planned for me and made his family, the doctor and nurses take part with it, but it wasn’t.

I wanted to hug him so bad and burst out to tears begging him to stay and tell him how much I love him, but I didn’t. The truth is too much for me to bear and that’s left me frozen. I was there, standing at the side of his bed, and my tears … it just keeps falling … like my heart that’s falling to bits and my world, our dreams, our hopes, our love, our memories … it was all… shattered.

We imagined our future to be perfect. We will have our own stable jobs, save money, have family, build our own house, buy the things we want and travel the world together. It was bliss. It was a dream waiting to be fulfilled. But now, you’re gone. Our hopes and dreams are gone. My happiness vanished. My sanity is fading away. All of my pieces are broken and all that’s left of me, are memories left behind.

I blame myself for not knowing. I was your girlfriend. I should have known that there’s something wrong with you. I should have notice it when you used it as a joke. I should have distinguished the truth from what’s not.

Now, it’s already too late. You’re gone, and that really kills me. But what’s even more painful in this world than losing you and not be able to tell you how much I love you before you close your eyes for good.

Yes, I was there. I was there to see you lying in bed with your life sucked out of you but I wasn’t there when you’re struggling between life and death and how I swear to God wish I was there for you. I wish I was there to give you strength, to give you hope and faith because I wasn’t ready to lose you, and I don’t think I will ever be ready. I can’t lose you. I don’t want to lose you. I want you to stay with me forever and make all our dreams come true. I want to grow old with you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life.

How is this even possible? How could I be so miserable in just a split second?

So this is how it feels like to lose someone you really love. You also lose yourself in the process.

Published by Aika Ignacio