This weekend something happened that I didn’t expect. I spent time with an amazing person that I never thought I would see again. Maybe meeting someone in a bar one night can be considered fate, of that one can never be sure. Things happen in unexpected ways and me going to a bar is not a common occurrence, so of course I have to think that maybe it wasn’t a coincidence. Or is that all anything is? I don’t want to say too much because this isn’t meant to be a story about how I feel about a guy as childish as it may be to admit, but it as about being single. About doing things that scare you. How truly great and absolutely terrifying it all can be.

I am now of the age where it has been deemed socially acceptable to bear children and begin a family with the person I married a year ago. This is the majority of my social media newsfeed anyway. Perfectly posed photos of these adorable children birthed from these girls that partied the entirety of high school career turning into women that have married remarkable, good-looking men. How they found them is beyond me. Obviously, it is social media and I remember that nothing on there is as it is in real life. Despite the picturesque fantasy of it all, a part of me was slightly envious. Not about being a wife or a mom, but having found someone that wants those things with you. The commitment that a person makes to spend an entire lifetime with you of all people in the world is something that I cannot relate to, but I can’t wait until I do.

This thought became implanted into the inner workings of my brain like a small seed when I went back home to Phoenix to be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding. As the “I do’s” were said and the beautiful vows spoken out of nothing but love was an amazing thing to see. I have always been the single friend, and the wedding was no exception. As the night progressed and the prospects of single men became more attractive thanks to the amount of alcohol consumed since eight in the morning that day, I felt the all too familiar sensation of what it was like during the many times I wanted to approach that hot guy at the bar. I had my selection of fairly attractive available men but it was not what I wanted. I stopped wanting that long ago, but it is still fun, right? Not so much.

You know that person that transitions into the grandma phase of life much sooner than one should? The person that sits at home cross-stitching in pajamas before 7pm? The person that falls asleep while reading a book in bed on a Saturday night? That person is me, well, most of the time. I became the type of person that would much rather sit and home and focus on what I love doing. Bettering myself. I want to do things that make me feel like me. I have been single the majority of my life, and I have been ok with that. But this weekend, spending time with someone I am fond of did put things into perspective. The vulnerability that you feel when spending time with a person that you have taken a liking to in such an intimate setting is scary.

Not that going out can’t be fun. I have always said that someone in a relationship though, doesn’t have the need to do so as much. It is a funny thing for me to say considering my current relationship status. Perhaps I’ve been in a relationship with myself once surpassing the age of 22 and converting to the ways of a grandmother. The biggest part of my relationship with me has been moving out of state on my own. It still shocks me to this day that I did something like that. I had the dream to pursue my personal training career with the development of my writing while I finish my marketing degree. That was the plan, although, now that I have been here for a bit of time, my plans have fallen by the wayside. I have been neglecting updating blog posts as I had promised myself, studying for my personal training test and my own health and well-being. I haven’t been doing what I initially set out to do. I stepped right out of my comfort zone to settle right back into a new one.

I read recently in Light is the New Black by Rebecca Campbell about how people are afraid to do new things. Are afraid to chase after what they want. She explains that if you do fail, what’s the worst that could happen? Being in the exact same situation that you are currently in. People are so afraid of potentially failing that they don’t even realize that they are already living in their worst-case scenario in that moment. What do I have to loose if I set out to achieve the goals that I want? Absolutely nothing. I might only have the possibility of living with regret for the rest of my life if I didn’t set out to achieve everything that I want to.

It’s the same when it comes to love. No, I am not in love at the moment. I don’t even have a person that I can say I am consistently dating right now. You have to feel that fear inside of you, every ounce of your body that wants to send you running away screaming makes you who you need to be. I am absolutely terrified of not making a living or having the ability to pay my bills if I took the leap to pursue my dreams. When discussing with my friend this fear (the same one I will be visiting in Cali next week, can’t wait!), she reminded me that I have done that before. I moved to Nevada without knowing if I would really make enough to pay rent. To continue to pay the large car payment I was now stuck with after losing multiple jobs previously. I made it all work because I wanted it, so why would doing it again be any different?

I don’t know where things will go with this great man that I met five months ago. We had made each other’s acquaintance on one random night a couple of girlfriends and I decided to grab a drink after work, which, as I explained, is not something I would typically do. He was in town for his friend’s sisters wedding (say that five times fast) and sat across the bar sporting a manly, rugged beard. I have been going through of phase of really liking beards making him a target for my friend that evening when she was in need of a beer pong partner. “Go ask the cute guy over there with the beard,” I told her. She insisted on doing a lap around the bar for a partner worthy of her beer pong playing skills although soon after her departure, she was returning with the guy that I was checking out. He had a beard. He had taken a liking to me, and I him. Not long after, I had moved to Nevada from Arizona. Since that night, we’ve always stayed in touch. An 8 hour drive has separated us all this time, that and overpriced plane tickets for the summer.

Timing seemed as if it was working against us to reunite. Whatever was meant to be would happen; I continued to tell myself that. Before I knew it he was making the journey out here to see me. And as exciting as it all was, it was also as scary as it had been for me to take the first step in moving to a new state. I was vulnerable, experiencing new things that I never would have thought possible. Emotions that overcame me as soon as he left for his return back home left me speechless. Was it because I was now lonely or because I really like this man that made me sad?

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The evening of his exit from Nevada and return into the state of Utah, I made my way back out to the beautiful Red Rock trails. I took my faithful companion with me for the journey. It is the one place that I can really reflect and let my mind simply be. I tend to overthink things more than the average human, or it may be due to the fact that I am also a woman. I knew that having him leave would make me question every single move I made this weekend, everything I said that came out wrong. But out here, it didn’t matter. I did something that scared me and I was proud of myself for that. You can’t close yourself off to new people, new experiences or adventures that scare the living day lights out of you. That will get you nowhere. As I ventured on the familiar path that evening, I came across something I hadn’t seen before. It was a heart created by stones that outlined the pathway to the far off hills. The sun was setting; the cool evening weather caressed my shoulders that were once burning under the light of the sun earlier in the afternoon. I found it fitting given the circumstances for the day, but was not going to call it a sign in regards to the person I got to spend the weekend getting to know a bit better. It was a reminder that love is important and all around you. Regardless of what the future holds, continuing to love myself and who I am becoming is most important. I mean, I wouldn’t complain if there is more of a future with this person. But who knows where that will lead. Everything in that moment, and in this instant right now is exactly how it should be. And I believe that that is incredible.