I don’t like talking about my anxiety but tonight I thought I would.

I don’t go out the house that much unless I really need too, like for example.. Therapy or a doctor’s appointment.. But recently I got a job and I’m not doing that bad but I’ve found it to be a real struggle when it comes to striking up conversations with customers and fellow staff. My first time using a till wasn’t too bad but I felt like the ensign from Star Trek: Voyager in the episode Good Shepherd. I felt like the till was laughing at me because my math skills are awful but I managed to do well so I shoved it to the back of my head.

My second shift for me was hell. I had to count stock and then write down how many we had left but I had done this wrong.. Three times in fact and I was getting upset with myself for going wrong and my anxiety kicked in and made it hard to breathe but I managed to keep my cool even with tears in my eyes. I felt my body getting hotter whilst I panicked and started re-counting my mess ups but in the end I made everybody go home late and I felt really bad about it.

I walked home sometime after 9pm and tried to think positive, I wanted to not feel so guilty for letting people down because my maths isn’t good..I eventually made myself a cup of tea, grabbed a blanket and watched Star Trek: Voyager for the rest of the night and it really made me feel better. I’m more nervous about my next shift because I’m afraid I’ll mess up again and I’ve already had those stupid over thinking crappy things saying “Maybe they hate you. You’ll only mess up again.” I’ve even had thoughts about quitting because of my epic mess up.

But I’m not going to give up.. I want to try and get out the house more but it’s proving more difficult as I have no motivation to leave the house unless I’m needed and I don’t know how to get out of that habit…I still haven’t started my workouts either..

How is everyone? ❤

The Girl In The Shadows

Published by Tris-Kathryn Prior