It has been six months since we said goodbye and I’m sure that in the latter half of it I was convinced that I’ve gotten over you. I still am- convinced. I’m sure that I’m over you. I’m sure that I’ve fully let you go. I’m sure that I don’t love you anymore- okay, maybe I’m not. Maybe I still feel like I love you- not in the same way as I did before yet, I feel like I still do. Or maybe I don’t. Maybe this is just me missing you. Maybe this is just the void you left in my heart talking. I am not sure of this. I am not sure of your place in my life right now. I have never even been sure of you.

What I am sure of is that when I said goodbye to you, I didn’t mean it. How could I? You forced me into it. I thought we were fine. You told me we were fine. You showed me we were fine. We were fine. Everything was fine. Until you said it wasn’t. Until you bombarded me with all the underlying truths you kept for a long time. Until you said you didn’t love me anymore. Until you said you fell out of love- not in that moment, but even months before. You weren’t in there anymore and you didn’t tell me right away. You made me believe that we were stars who still have the power and energy to light up the entire sky. You made me believe we were still in the same ship. You didn’t tell me your light was fading out and you sure as hell didn’t didn’t tell me the ship was already sinking because you left me there to navigate it all alone. You may have not physically left me, but you did. You were there, but your heart wasn’t anymore.

So no, you can’t expect me to mean my goodbye right away because I can’t mean it and I can’t mean it because there’s a part in me that still believes in us. A part that still believes that maybe someday, we can try again and it’ll all be better and we can both light up the entire universe this time. Maybe, just maybe, there’s still a chance. I know, it’s oblivious to everything you’ve done to hurt me but I can’t just let you go like that. I am not like you. I am not the kind of person that simply forgets someone who once meant the world to me, who once, really made me feel what true love is. I am not.

I understand that you don’t love me anymore. I realize just now that I too, don’t love you anymore. This is just the void you left in my heart talking. The real me is embracing the fact that the light that we had, the light that used to illuminate the entire sky, is already dead and will never have the chance to light up again. The real me is continuing to move forward and will never look back at you again, not even a glance. Today, I am burying this belief of us beneath the chambers of my heart. I may not have meant my goodbye before, but right now, I mean it. Goodbye.

Published by Krissi Jimenez