How to get up if I have fallen so many times? Isn’t it better for me to lay on the floor and never get up than to endure so much pain again? What is the point of my life? There seems to be no point…

Are these your thoughts? Because they once were mine; every day I would wake up and think what is the point of my life? I would tell myself, “all I feel is pain…the dark clouds follow me everywhere I go…life is too hard”…These negative, cruel thoughts were planting an evil seed in me; this diseased seed was growing taller and stronger that it grew into such a dark, strong tree that I got to the point of suicidal ideation. Anytime anything bad would happen I would dream…no desire, to jump off that bridge just a few minutes away from my home. To run to the train tracks and lay down with my ear buds in, waiting for the end of my ‘misery’. It got so bad that if my life would be in great turmoil I would daydream or as I should say ‘mare’dream about slitting my wrists with that long, sharp kitchen knife.

I had times when I would have that knife in my hands, staring at it;  waiting for what my mind would choose…and here is where laid the problem. I thought I had no choice, I was sick and there was nothing I could do. My life was hard and this was the fate that was handed to me. I couldn’t choose anything…

Let me tell you! You can choose! You can choose to be free and kick out these negative feelings and thoughts for they are only that! Feelings and emotions; fleeting: Here one day, gone the next! So, why would you allow yourself to be identified by these feelings? They are so unreliable but yet you think they have a right to define who you are.

You are here, in the Now; your sense of being or definition of self  should be where you are right Now! 

Take it from a girl who struggled with depression, anxiety, panic disorder, and suicidal ideation you can choose and I choose the Now. And when I chose this moment, I realized there was no room to regret things because I was too much in the NOW. And then there was no more room to fear anything because I was enjoying my life NOW; saving tomorrow for tomorrow…where it belongs. 

This is what saved me and I guess what you can say saved my life. I finally no longer want to hurt myself or end my life. I no longer want to be invisible… I want to be seen. I now think of all the things I want to do with my life and realize I ain’t got time to be dead! The world already has too much hate; I want to spread love, positivity,and happiness.

All this is is my testimony and I hope that it may help someone out of their misery…to see there is a way out and that they are the god of their life. They decide to be happy or not. I know I may be a stranger to you but if you need to talk to anyone…well, I’m here.

Published by Michelle Tulik