Professional Bum Wiper

If they had a bum wiping event in the olympics I'm pretty sure I'd win gold.I've wiped so many bums in the last 20 years, (background in nursing), and I still continue to do so.

There was a time when i had 3 kids in nappies, I was also working in a rest home. Man it felt like I had shit coming out of my ears. My twins were extremely frequent pooers.

They say every cloud has a silver lining and at the time i considered myself able to qualify for some sort of World record for fastest time changing a nappy.

I'm past the nappy stage now, but I'm still a bum wiper. I'm an on call bum wiper. I have to be prepared for the job anytime anywhere. I'm called to wipe bums at the most inconvenient of times. At the movies, in cafes, in Pak n Save, on the side of the motorway, as soon as I arrive at someone else's house, during assembly or even when I'm cooking a meal.

Two occasions that really annoyed me,  were once when my son was awarded most valuable player, and once while waiting for my sisters to cross the finish line at the end of a half marathon. I'd waited for ages and I just knew they'd cross while I was bum wiping in the portaloo. Embarrassingly,  I yelled at my child inside a public toilet something along the lines of "why do you always do this, you kids are so frustrating!" (nice version). I emerged from a public loo to a group of people staring at me, and yes I missed the crossing.  

My advice to future bum wipers would be to work on your balance and core strength. Bum wipees have been known to hurl themselves at me head down bum up at a great rate of knots. This is not for the feint hearted.  You must be ready to catch them between your knees and hold them steady with your inner thigh strength. Years of training in this particular activity  has brought me to Olympic standards. I'd be proud to win gold for NZ.


Published by Inspiring Anna


Sep 7, 2016, 7:56:37 AM


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