I read a lot of books during my humanities-driven time at school, and I’m confident I picked up on the really important stuff. If I’m going to base my love life on something, it’s going to be something that stuck around.
According to the ancient classics:
- The perfect man should be brave. Seriously, seriously brave. Like, people all over the world are strumming the harp and talking about how gosh-darn brave he is, the legend. You can’t go out to dinner without him wanting to fight something and possibly bringing a curse down upon himself ‘cause he couldn’t just back down when you told him to, but brave nonetheless. And that’s really hot. He probably cares a little too much about everyone else also knowing that he’s amazing, but at least it means everyone’s envious of you and your brave, brave man.
- Of course, a man can be perfect without being obsessed with everyone knowing how brave he is, but only if he’s really Good. You know? Capital G, big ol’ heart full of mercy, god-fearing family man. This guy really has a sense of his own purpose, and yeah, maybe that’ll get slightly annoying when you’re just trying to have a quiet evening in and he keeps preaching about duty, but it’s also nice. Reassuring! Of course he’ll inevitably leave you to go found a city and subsequently a globe-dominating empire, but we can’t have it all.
- In fact, that’s something we all just have to accept, because the perfect man is going to leave you to go fight in a war at some point. There’s no point being upset, because it does mean even more people will probably know how brave he is! Remember that? You just have to come to the terms with the fact that he might end up being killed and his body publicly mutilated but, like, he did kill that guy’s gay lover. Grey areas, you know.
- And if he doesn’t end up dying, then — unfortunately — the perfect man will probably have slept around a lot. (A lot.) We don’t make the rules, that’s just what perfect men are like. In this case you have two options: accept him back with open arms because you’ve become painfully aware of how annoying all the other fish in the sea are recently, OR stab him to death in a bathtub. Ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks. You choose!
- When searching for the perfect man, though, there are some red flags. If he encourages you to kill your brother and abandon your country and family to run away with him, then…well maybe don’t rush into things. It could end up with him abandoning you for a younger and richer girl from his native country, and then you’d obviously have to murder your children, and everything gets a little messy. We don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but it’s probably best to give that guy a miss.
According to Shakespeare:
- Hey, remember that guy you hate? Really annoying, full of himself, sort of ambiguously broke your heart that one time? Well, have you considered that maybe it’s more than just you enjoy verbally thrashing him with wordplay? Maybe it’s love! Give it some thought. I mean, he may not be stereo-typically perfect, but I hear those guys are really gullible.
- Of course, if you really want to woo the perfect man, then the best way to do it is by yourself dressing up as a man. For some reason it works like a charm! Might be that repressed homosexuality, might be how good you look in that tunic, but who cares when it’s getting results. An unusual tip, but we’d argue it’s necessary in roughly…7 out of 38 cases.
- If you find yourself in a stifling world of idiotic adults and age-old feuds, then we need not describe the perfect man to you. You’ll find him soon enough, and fall so madly and instantaneously in love that there’ll be no doubt in your mind as to his perfection. Our only tip is, like, maybe then immediately leave the town. It’s too complicated to explain, but you’ll thank us later.
- If you’re lucky enough to live on an isolated island, then the perfect guy is easy to spot! Is he that creepy guy your dad forces to do all the work? Of course not! (Although that is kinda weird. Maybe talk to your dad about what’s going on there.) Is it the first new man you ever see in your life? You bet it is! There’s no point waiting around to compare him with other people, because this man is the man for you. Happy wedding!
Published by Izzy Palmer