I'm really unhappy living in the state that I'm in while also being in a facility and I feel like people just don't understand because they don't know what I've been through or what it's like. I don't want to be here forever and I feel like that is gonna be the case. The past couple of weeks, I have been experiencing the dropping down cycle of Borderline Personality Disorder and what I mean is BPD is similar to being on a rollercoaster because you have stable high periods and then sudden plateau periods. During the stable high stage of the cycle is when I can feel a little bit more normal because my emotions can be a little more stable, but not that much, my ability to have normal conversations appears again and I'm a tad less needy for a small period of time. The normality part of the cycle isn't really that normal but it is our normal and it isn't as bad as dropping because of the plateaus because it's less intense but still really exhausting. Moving on to the part of the cycle which are the plateaus basically consists of crying literally all of the time, feeling like I don't want to be here on earth, I am always emotionally exhausted to the point that I don't even want to move, and I feel like everyone hates me and doesn't even care about me at all. There is also a third stage of the cycle which is Numbness and it's terrible, but probably inevitable for any person that would go through what we do, which consists of COMPLETE exhaustion and numbness from everything that tackled us in the Plateau stage. I become completely numb to the point that I don't have the ability to feel anything emotionally and words just bounce right off of me and have no emotional attachment to them whatsoever. Lately, I've been stuck in the Plateau stage and have been crying all day for one or two days and then be decent the next day then crying because of pure hopelessness again! All of this aftermath of being pushed into the Plateau stage originally started because I was triggered. I have honestly been trying to come up with realistic plans to get out of this place since I have been here which is since May of 2016. So I got fairly desperate and decided to ask my family member about living with them here but the answer ended up being no because their house isn't equipped and all of the challenges of moving to our target state and it really sucks because it hurts to know that my disability is like a burden and stressful for everyone! So I basically heard no in my head and I got even more depressed than I have been lately and everything has been going downhill since then. I understand that I have to be safe in order to live with this person or anyone for that matter but I have this attachment to them so I guess it's like an ideation and devaluation thing that Borderlines experience. The attachment issue causes me to honestly believe and feel that this beautiful person (in my eyes because of the impulsive ideation tendency that we have) should be my hero and save me because of how much I loved and cared about them and the fact that I would have done everything to help in my power if the situation was reversed. This isn't just an issue with this individual but with everyone who I'm close to and another issue that arises because of the extreme attachment is that I have unrealistic expectations for most of the people who I am attached to and that's the case with this person also. I really just want someone to be my hero and it would be absolutely great for this particular person to step up to the plate but they won't because they have a life to live the right way and to fight to keep it together daily because of a lot at stake for them personally. This person is actually filling a void for me in my family so that's why I am so attached and I know that I need to just scrap that hope and need because they can't love me the way that I feel that I need to be. Anyway, I am becoming very bitter because there is a lot of anger and pure sadness aimed at about five people in my family that consumes my soul and it's probably getting very unhealthy at this point. Two of the people who I am internally battling with knew that I was in a couple of emotionally unhealthy households and didn't try to intervene or get me out of them and I was reaching out by crying to them. One of them was a person who I have cried to very often and even saw the violent words being spat at me and the destruction firsthand in the first household. Then both of those same two people saw it happen almost daily but it was also happening to them too but nothing was done in the moment of me being screamed at in the second household. The other two people who I have some negative feelings toward is because they both are the reason that I have ever been able to be put in the circumstances to even have to be in unhealthy situations even though I know that it wasn't on purpose because it hurt them in the process also. I just struggle with these two people not trying hard enough to make my life easier and get me out of certain situations by stepping up. The last person is the person who emotionally abused, emotionally scarred me and manipulated me and is the reason that my life is the way it is currently. I'm just trying to figure out what I should do or how I should feel and thank you guys so much for reading. Also, please feel welcome and definitely encouraged to comment on what you're struggling with in your life or if you want my advice, and if you have any questions!
Published by Jamesha Kirkland