Well, I didn’t think it’d be this hard. I know life, I’ve talked about it lots of times and whenever I forget how to live with it, I try to recall everything I’ve put through; the bad moments and the good ones and from there, I’m back on track.
This time’s different though. You know, I’ve always taken life a little too differently. I try to picture it as some dream, wherein everything is possible, everything can happen, nothing can hurt you, and that one day, you’ll wake up and you’ll realize that all of it was just a dream. But the downside is that after everything you went through, in the end, it’ll all be just a dream. It didn’t happen, nor it will. So, everything, even the good moments would just be a memory you’ll eventually forget. And I would like that. Right now, I’d like this day and yesterday and the day after this and the day after that and so on to just be no more than a dream. I wanna pretend that this is just one, simple nightmare and that I’ll wake up soon and everything that’s happening and are going to happen would just be some really bad memories and that I’ll be able to get over them and forget them and move on with my life. But now, this time, this damn time, just started becoming too real. Real enough that I lost power over it. Real enough that I can’t even try and picture it and pretend it’s all just a dream. I don’t understand how is that. I can’t remember messing up with my ability of pretending so well that nothing’s wrong and everything’s in the right place. Why can’t I? Is it because it hurts too much? Then it hits me…
We’ve all had dreams. Magical dreams, beautiful ones, those that we narrate to the first person we’ll see the moment we wake up. Well, even nightmares. The ones we get right after we watch a scary film. We all know what a dream is. These are these images, moments. Sometimes things that had happened to us or visions. Or perhaps things we want to happen. It doesn’t always have to be about us. Sometimes, we dream of our family, or perhaps a trip, or a place we want to visit. Other times, a dream is our last thought right before we go to sleep. To such dismay, a dream is something that only occurs when we sleep. So no matter how awesome it gets, no matter how much you don’t want to wake up because of some certain, magical dream you’re having, a dream is just a dream. Eventually, you’re going to wake up and you’re going back to reality where everything is just as opposite as they are in our dream. The worst part is, dreams are meant to be forgotten the moment we wake up. It’s just the ability of our brain to remember some things from it, but really, after a couple of minutes, you’ll forget it. That’s why I try so hard to pretend this is all just a dream. I want to forget this day. I want to forget everything we’ve been through, just so it wouldn’t hurt this much. But you know what’s preventing my ability from working itself? I can’t pretend this is a dream like how I let my other horrible moments pass because those moments can’t hurt as much as this one. And you know what they say about dreams? In a dream, nothing can hurt you. That’s why there’s this thing such as “pinch yourself to know if you’re dreaming or not. If it doesn’t hurt, then you’re dreaming.”. But this time, it looks like I don’t have to pinch myself to know if I’m dreaming or not. The emotional pain is painful enough to give me a clue that this can never be mistaken for a dream nor will it ever be one.
I guess I’m just really tired. I just want to sleep and not wake up at all. It’s not dying, it’s just sleeping longer than an average person used to. Nobody said love was easy. I get that. What I don’t get is, I thought people break up when they don’t love each other, not when they love each other too much. Or, I don’t know, maybe there’s not much any difference.
Maybe I’ll let it go for now. Because, well, this is life for people who falls in love and eventually gets stepped all over. No one is the blame. Love happens, so is life..
…and they don’t always go the way we want them to.
Published by Jamie K.