Being Bullied

I have never really talked about this publicly but people close to me will already know what i have been through..

I know im not the first i know im not the last i certainly didnt get the worst but im writing this to let those who are keeping theirs  quiet know they are not alone and they dont have to be..

lets take it back to the ‘precious papa’ post you may have read, think about what i and my family were going through, at that time, tough times right, well the bullying came at just about the worst time in my life..

when my father had his accident, i was in year 6 just leaving school, to start my new secondary school, because he was in hospital for so many months he missed a lot of my schooling at this time like sports days, competitions, leaving plays, my first day at new school and just special memories like that, he wasn’t able to attend, this hurt as it was..  but in a way because i was so focused on him and him getting better i didn’t really think about school, i didn’t miss school i was ready to leave i didn’t cry, i didn’t really care about my friends moving on, i didn’t care about starting a new school, i was pretty much emotionless, it made me very weird and i admit i think i was a bit of a weirdo and as i grew into a teengaer, a strange kid, i developed OCD and didn’t sleep at night, all down to pure worry about my precious papa.

after spending the summer with him, living in Sheffield we returned to Lincolnshire, i lived with my grandparents for most of this time. my first day of secondary school i can’t remember that well but the next few weeks after that are so vivid.

my first day was pretty much a blur, yeah sure i was nervous, everyone is, and was. i loved my tutor she was awesome,  i did see a cute boy too which was nice, and i was excited to be in the new gym they had created at school.

dinner time was horrid, cueing for food, being pushed and shoved the normal way when in year 7, i remembering buying a roast dinner with my money 2 pound 20 pence and then walking into the hall where everyone sat, i felt like everyone was looking at me and i just dropped everything, my plate, tray and food gone, i shoved it on the rack and ran off, i have a massive satchel and my blazer drowned me i looked like such a moron, i couldn’t find many of my primary school friends that day, they must have done a lot of mingling so i sat on my own a lot, and played with my new pink flip phone i got which i loved. #throwbavk

a few days after i met some new people in my form group, 3 boys in particular, i was very shy and barely spoke but they chatted to me loads like they wanted to be my friends, my close primary school friend said to me they aren’t nice Jay and that they were not trying to be my friend and i should stay away. i wasn’t really bothered like i said i didn’t have a care in the world for anyone else. those following few days the boys never left me alone, following me about, calling me names, laughing and joking between each other i tried to ignore them and didn’t think a lot to it until they grabbed my bag and emptied it all out in front of the year 11s in the corridor i looked like such a weak muppet, they grabbed my new pencil case and snapped and broke everything inside throwing it all over the place, they would then laugh and run off, i would be late for class and get told of for this cause i was picking my things up.

my family were going through such a hard time, i never told my mum or anyone that this had began, the first few days of little things i just ignored and told myself I’m strong when i really wasn’t. i was very small, very skinny and drowned by my blazer and bag, i was an ugly ducking, i didn’t wear any make up and i was very geek like, all my real friends knew this too, but never bullied me for it.

so the instances grew, in form time i would sit by myself while they threw rules and compasses at me, they would pick up my bag near enough everyday and empty the contents out so every time i was left behind. 

one day they tried to do it again and i said “stop, why? its boring now..” and one of the boys stuck chewing gum on me, now not just a rolled up ball you can flick off, it was long, sticky chewy gum that he wiped all over my blazer down my back and into the back of my hair, obviously i moved quickly trying to pull this off me and made matter worse, the three boys laughed and left the room with other students in form, as they left one of the boys turned around and spat at me, i remembering looking around and no one was there, i wanted to go home, but then i just went to the office and the lady there helped me take it out my hair and off my blazer..

 people in my form group knew this was happening but i think they we’re scared so they ignored it a lot, i kept away from them when i could but they would follow, another time in RE, one boy ripped up my homework and book, i then got into trouble, he then snapped my new ruler a friend gave me and they all just laughed and mocked me, somethings like this would happen most lessons. 

form time use to be the worst time, they for some reason after lunch would just feel like they owned the place. must had been something they ate.. i remembering leaving form on time and rushing down the stairs, the biggest boy of the group was honestly built so massive compared to me, like a wall, he pushed me down the stairs and as the stairs turned i fumbled, and fell against the banister this is where he spat at me again. i honestly felt so sick, i want to cry, but not tell anyone too, i felt silly i wanted to be strong for myself and my daddy. 

the next day was too much, i felt really low about my dad this day thinking about my family loads, i couldn’t work or concentrate i didnt move much or speak to people. one of the teachers spoke to my mum about my sad and moody behaviour and how i didnt do anything in her class. oh i wonder why i had other things on my mind im sure..

i answered back to one of the bullies this day and they didn’t like that, the biggest one again, the most aggressive one, slapped me, round the face, laughing hysterically his two little sheep friends followed laughing, and shouting “geek” “ugly ” and i can’t really remember much else, i just remember i was meant to attend period 5 and i sat on the english staircase, by myself and had a good cry. no one found me and at this time i was relieved i didn’t want anyone to know but when i think back maybe it would have been better if someone found me and sorted it out sooner.

the next week or day i can’t remember, was the final straw, my close friend knew that this was happening and he wanted it to stop, he knew my situation and was there for me, he told these three boys privately about my current life situation and the fact my dad had nearly died..
did this make things better? my friend thought he was helping me, he wanted them to lay off and understand my hard time, but they loved this, they knew i was low and they was gonna kick me while I was down.

that day in form again we were playing charades as a class one of the boys stood on the table in front of my whole class it wasn’t his turn in the game but he thought he could do what he liked, he stood on the table shouting “look at me, who am i?”

-‘he acted out a person cycling, falling to the floor and dying’

i will never forget this sight in my life, how graphical he acted it out no one else knew, but my face dropped i felt so sick, i could feel myself go hot and white as a sheet, my friend who had told them was so shocked too he looked at me like “I’m sorry” and looked so sad. everyone left to go to the last lesson. 

i sat there in shock and started crying, shaking all over wondering would my dad ever come home?!

my form tutor came and spoke to me and she didn’t understand what the boy was doing and asked me to talk to her and tell her everything, i told her most things, i don’t talk about every little thing they did to me cause it still hurts i wish i was stronger back then, i wish i stuck up for myself, i dont know if i will ever quite get over that

after my form tutor did get head of year and head of school involved, and i had to tell my mum, who obviously went mental and my family were so upset and angry. i did get an apology from the boys eventually, and some of them expelled hahah,  but still at the end of the day the thought of that time in my life still hurts and i think, maybe if it didn’t happen i would be weaker than i am now, not as strong minded. I feel like it has helped me for who i am today and i know if it were to happen again i most certainly wouldn’t deal with it alone. now most things don’t get to me i don’t get easily upset and hurt. so if your going through a hard time right now, tell someone, stay strong and you will be amazing after it.

much love J x