I am on a journey to find my feet in the world again, to learn to love myself in the most basic ways.
I am a mother, becoming one has changed me for the better... I have a purpose, a more positive outlook on the future, a better understanding of appreciating those little things because they really are most important.
I am a wife, a title I hold with such a love and pride. Not only do I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend but I feel we are a complete family, all sharing one name. Something I never realised mattered to me until it did.
I am a small business owner, keeps my creative side alive, gives me some sanity in the madness that can be being a stay at home mother. I love the interaction, I have always had a passion for customer service and doing exactly that whilst spreading the love with my own creations is absolutely a dream come true!
HOWEVER, despite all these amazing factors I have within my life, I along the way lost myself. Understandably, in some ways, I hear you say... having two little girls under two might do that to you! So here I am, finding my new place in the world and wanting a safe place to document it!
My new Years Reselution for 2018 was to be more positive! I really was so motivated and the another illness struck our household, then another, and another! It really was a miserable start to the year and I didn't have the time to think about me! Once again, I found myself full of self pity, self hate - for the person I was, letting myself be, just letting myself go!
The weight has piled on, the bad feelings have built up! Mum Guilt is a real, real thing!
One day, whilst at home, I lost it! For that second of being nagged and yanked and yelled at I felt the explosion go off within. I didn't do anything apart from run upstairs and scream and cry for just a moment. But I felt so guilty, guilty for being upset, guilty for feeling so mad, guilty for not being the mother I wanted to be! I sat on the bed sobbing and thinking how much I do not want my insecurities, my negativity to effect my children, I don't want them to be me, my beautiful girls deserve so much better! That was a hard pill to swallow!
Then it hit me... I have always known I am my own worst enemy, but now the realistion of its only me standing in my own way! But dieting takes so much will power and brain power a strength I don't want to face right now... I don't have the time to brush my hair and teeth most days so meal prepping is just feeling like another added stress. Exercise... when do I have time. When the girls are in bed thats my time to chill with my man. Another excuse? Maybe! But thats important to me that we always make time for each other as we have no family closer than a 4 hour drive!
I sat there another morning, once again, in my bubble of self hate and self pity! Thinking about the person I wished I could be, the person I invisioned!
Thats what I decided. Rather than overwhelming myself with unrealistic goals, extra responsibilities and making myself more stressed and uncomfartable with myself.
So that morning I got up and did a 15 minute HIIT session, the girls either side of me 'taking part'! Man, did I hurt but it was such a welcomed ache and pain! I followed up with a shower, we all brushed our teeth, we all got dressed - something that feels like an impossible task most days! I managed to clean the whole of upstairs between playing with the girls, playing music and dancing around - before I knew it! I was all done!
I kept it up for 6 whole mornings, the HIIT session. Another 'small step' I had decided to take was to stop eating so much bread and junk! Trying to get myself into the mindset of realising how the smallest decision can impact me and my future. For example, if I decide to do my HIIT today - I can eat all the chocolate tonight OR if I do the HIIT and eat better I am going to feel better, lose the weight! Slowly but surely, right? I could sign myself back up to slimming world and do it all super quick again. But that just isnt what I want this time. I want to be a better version of myself. I want to love me. I want to be the strong and confident person I know I can be.
I've already stopped holding myself to super high standards, especially comparing myself to those 'Perfect' social media mothers who seem to have all their eggs in order! Thats not me, and truthfully I don't want to be 'THEM' anymore, I just want to be happy as Me!
I spend to many hours focusing on the negatives! Another small step I am taking is to reflect back on my day and be proud of me, be proud of what I accomplished in that day. Be proud of all the positive steps I have begun to take and be proud of the new person I can feel growing inside already!
Its not been all plain sailing, Monday I woke ready and eager to face the world, I did my HIIT, I got us ready and we headed outdoors to the park for the first time in a long, long while! It felt amazing! Then I got back and had the biggest panic attack, from no where that just sent me sideways! I spent that night sobbing, feeling like a failure, feeling like all my hardwork and positiveness had gone down the drain, pointless. No matter what I tried to do, I just couldn't shake that 'BAD' feeling that had taken over! I took myself to bed hoping to sleep it off and wake up feeling well again. Although I definitely felt better, I still had that bad feeling. I tried and tried again to tackle my morning HIIT session and after three failed attempts I gave in, I knew I needed to take it easy and knew I couldn't beat myself up! I needed to listen to body! It needed a break, so that is exactly what I gave it! I managed a 20 minute power nap that afternoon and woke it with my spark back in place! It felt amazing to know that I did that, I 'fixed' myself!
So here we are today, despite only getting 5 hours sleep I have woken up with that fire simmering inside again... hence the Mother Dragon! Here I am, a mother trying to relight that flame that has been left to smoulder for way to long!
Anxiety! You are an arsehole. I don't understand you 90% of the time, but I do know I am ready to fight back now! I will accept that you apart of me. I will accept that I cannot remove you! But I can stop letting you win, letting you make me feel unworthy of this amazing life I have around me!
My girls, my husband - they love me, no matter what! I want to be able to give them my all.
I do not know what tomorrow holds, life is so uncertain!
So today is about #lovingthelittlethings and #takingsmallsteps
Bye for now - MD xoxo
Published by Jemma Deen