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Ways to Celebrate Our Founding Fathers on July 4th Other Than Fireworks
A. POWDER AND SNUFF
A cavalcade of powdered wigs and various opiates and hallucinogenic drugs inhaled and smoked by the Continental Congress
B. REACH FOR A LEECH
Bring your family for a once-in-a-lifetime “placing of the leeches”–so they can see how the colonists attempted to cure all disease (paramedics standing by in case of great blood loss)
C. “TAKE A NEGRO TO WORK” DAY
Call up one of your friends of color and take him to your job as your slave, complete with chains and desperate expression. Yes, you can be Tom Jefferson, and he can be just “Tom.”
D. ODORATION
Come and experience various chambers with early American body odor sprayed in, to give you the experience of sniffing people who wore too many clothes and did not use deodorant.
E. MUSKETING
Salute to the Second Amendment–a Revolutionary War Gun Show, complete with unreliable, sometimes exploding flintlocks, and a chart displaying that it would take approximately seventeen straight hours for a mass killer to murder 25 people with a musket. (That’s if everyone agreed to hang around for the re-loading.)
Published by Jonathan Cring
6 years ago 
