I am writing a series of letters to my three daughters. My plan is to give the letters to them as gifts when they each leave for college. The letters are lessons I have learned either through direct experience or via the credible testimony of others. Today, I wrote about the notorious list -- which singles are encouraged to write-- in reference to their desired qualities in a mate. I am in agreement with the list creation. But, so many things can go wrong if a person has not been educated regarding how to compile the list. I am sharing today's letter to my daughters with the public; it is an awesome resource which need not stay hidden until my girls grow up. I know it will bless you!
Note: this was written from a woman’s perspective but is extremely helpful for single men as well.
March 8, 2016
Picking a Husband
Today I want to teach you girls about selecting the correct husband. Of course he will seek, find, and pursue you BUT you will choose who you want (you’ll have many suitors). Marriage is blessed but can be tough. My prayer is that you all find the perfect man for you-- not the perfect man. I will probably mention this multiple times, but today I would like to focus on your list. By now, you may or may not have heard of the concept of listing the qualities you desire in a mate. As the old saying goes-- you must know what you’re looking for in order to know if you have found it. But many people botch the list, so let me give you some tips on list creation.
Don’t base the list on prior dysfunction: Example-- If a prior love interest was argumentative and aggressive-- don’t assume you want a mild mannered man. You may need an assertive man. It may have seemed like it was a bad idea because one or both of you were immature at the time, you were a control freak, or a number of other issues. Don’t run into the arms of someone because they seem to be the opposite of who you had before.
The basics need not enter the list: The purpose of the list is to determine compatibility, not decency. Leave saved, honest, kind, faithful, and respectful off the list because they are givens. If we have raised you properly, you know not to deal with a man that cheats on you, lies to you, curses you out, beats you, or doesn’t believe in your heavenly father. Those are so elementary, they don’t even belong on the list. Focus on characteristics that match well with you and your destiny. Example-- if you want to travel the world, a man who hates airplanes and has no interest in going anywhere, is not well suited for you. Don’t misunderstand me, you two don’t need to have identical interest, but the interests need to be compatible-- meaning, they cannot conflict. His interest and life work cannot halt yours or cause division/stress in the marriage when you pursue yours.
Make sure the characteristics or accomplishments positively impact your life together: Don’t pick items that simply make him sound good, but don’t directly affect you. Example-- if your list says he needs to be a college graduate, ask yourself why? Is it because his earnings will be larger? Well, that certainly isn’t the case. There are many people who work their way up in good companies or become successful entrepreneurs and inventors, or build capital through a blue color job to make investments and start local businesses. When I was growing up, we were told that a college education was the only path to success. But this is no longer true. So, don’t worry about social status when compiling your list. He only needs to have the will and drive to be excellent in whatever he does. His college degree or lack thereof won’t affect you nearly as much as his real world ambition.
Make sure the list includes things you admire: In order to submit to a man (which is what wives are called to do) you need to respect him. And respect is hard to offer when you don’t believe a person is worthy of it. Why marry someone you have to force yourself to respect? Therefore, make sure the list includes qualities you admire. I personally admire discipline and consistency. What qualities have you found yourself admiring in others? Make sure at least one is on your list.
5. Make sure “ability to compromise” and “good communicator” are on that list: These are
cornerstones of any successful happy marriage.Communication will save your marriage from ruin. You wouldn’t believe how many marriages waste away due to a lack of communication. Your husband needs to be able to clearly communicate (express himself, listen to you, and act based on the conclusions of your conversation). Which leads us to compromise, if a man cannot make adjustments and is stubborn, he won’t make a good husband. Marriage requires constant compromise, sacrifice, and flexibility. Beware of anyone too set in their ways.
Has this list changed your list?
Or inspired you to create a list?!
I hope so!
I speak blessings over your single life that will run over into your married life in due season!
Thank you for reading!
Published by Kamesha Hayes