Am I not valuable in the here and now?

Am I not valuable in the here and now?

Originally posted here.

I started to imagine the conversation of me coming back and dealing with personal failures again. It’s not fun.
I found myself starting to get teary and passionate. As a nomad, or wanderer when we go home people are excited of our journey and us constantly journeying. Usually because they themselves can’t do it for whatever commitments and responsibilities they have. Every time I return it’s about where I’ll go next and it kind of is a driving force to persevere, you know? To find an answer and do something better than the last that will knock their socks off and impress even your future grandkids. But as I know I may have one more bout of a 6 months in me, I’m dreading the conversation of, “What’s next?”

Why does there have to be something next? I’ve even thought about taking my time travelling on one thousand Euros (€1k) and enjoying myself getting to know locals and really ‘backpacking’ (without the backpack as that’s not me). I imagined even landing a bartender gig for a few weeks and living on a couch just to slowly enjoy the transition back to the faster paced UK work life. But my family will ask what I’m doing and why I’m not heading back to work or ‘settling down’. I respect them and value their opinion as other employees will think the same too.

But why are we always concerned about next, and as a traveller or full time work sojourner, “Where to?” Can I not be paid enough to be me? Can I not just live and be paid for my awesomeness and ability to connect? Everyday I strive for better, this is a personal mantra and everyday I aim to do better and teach in a more fun style that lights up my students. Is me not working to my best everyday not enough to be paid for the quality of me? I don’t do huge or terminal personal development qualifications but trust me, every week at least 20% of my lesson plan is spent researching the topic again even if I did it last week as I need to be sure of it. Being a professional, practising being one anyway, takes commitment and dedication. However when the heart isn’t in it, you can’t pull it from your ass.

I genuinely enjoy my adult conversation classes even though I was quite nervous about them. I love them because we can talk about real situations and practice what they know without giving homework and being strict on grammar. I don’t even give a reason for things, I just give example sentences and correct them where needed. I’m not getting into: remember, it’s present perfect so you use ‘have’ and the past participle. Nah, let’s not interrupt their flow so much. Saying that, I HAVE to plan my lesson for tomorrow and learn about modals and past tenses because of the extra homework I dished out. I have to revise just so I’m 100% and not 80% sure. When I’m at 80%, I blank and that’s not a good look.

I want to be seen as enough, even with failings and unfinished business. Let me travel and be me, a lot more would be done that way. Some things should not be finished, especially if there is no passion in it. Why drag a relationship if your partner isn’t passionate and doesn’t even give half of their 100?

Much love guys, I’m figuring out this rut and desire of change again. Bare with me and my journalistic posts!

Published by Kirah Grand

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