I'm not an angry black woman but I'm pissed

I'm not an angry black woman but I'm pissed

I'm so sick and tired of being ignored and having my feelings bypassed. I'm emotionally mature and am appropriate with friends and loved ones to communicate how I feel with words and not tempers. But so often do I share or say, "I miss you" and have nothing back. Or "I had a bad day" and the reasons to my bad day not questioned about. I want to feel important too!

I'm transitioning to counselling and have worked on listening and empathy for about 2 years properly and I tell you I pay more attention to others and try to help them find why they're doing things or why their dog is not following the toilet rules, etc than ever. I'm there for others, better than I am for myself, but I give the best of me to those closest to me. Years ago I asked my best friend if I do too much and she said that I go above and beyond for some people and it's not reciprocated and shown back and I should even it out to do the same good for everyone. I took on her words and have done better with everyone on their tier of friendship. Plus this year is my year of kindness.

But I am so annoyed that when I reach out to people to have a real conversation, it's aired or glanced over. I had to turn off my read receipts on Whatsapp a few weeks ago to relieve my annoyance with the issue. It makes a difference, by the way and I implore you to try it- in stages though, from taking off your last seen to then no blue ticks. Many people don't like to have phone conversations or video chat so I don't push for such a level of intimacy in the 21st century.

I wonder how valuable I am to others that when I leave or disappear, will I even be missed? Will that space that I fill be acknowledged? I feel like I'm taken for granted, as I'm always there and will always make myself available. But coming up to age 25, I can't keep giving like this. I can't keep giving my time and ears at what o'clock and not having that back at 2pm, 6 months later.

It hurts that I can't be reciprocated with my feelings, especially in my most important relationships. I do other things to pass my time and manage situations without guidance, as I've gotten good at that. But there's only so many times you can come home from a bad day and descale the situation. There's only so many times you can engage in their conversation and not bring up what they did that you're still peeved by.

I'm mad that I can't get what I give, and I can't even get an acknowledgement of feelings when I put myself out there. Rejection hurts and I'm feeling it far too often. I can imagine mother's feel it differently and it hurts more, how do you deal with it? Or men that have emotional intelligence, how do you manage when the women in you life shun you for it or completely not give to you?

Published by Kirah Grand


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