On Love Unreturned

Here’s the cold hard truth about the unique pain of loving someone who cannot and will not love you back, written based on the experiences of the girl who’s gotten used to always being second best.

It’s not an easy thing, falling for someone who will never want you back.

The reason behind these messy unrequited love situations is arbitrary. Maybe the guy already loves someone else, or maybe he isn’t allowed to want you back. The worst that could happen is if you’ve fallen for someone who’s both taken and forbidden. Then sorry, but it sucks to be me.

Err.…you. It sucks to be you.

There are times when you’re somehow able to convince yourself that if you’re nice or patient enough, maybe one day, he’ll wake up as if the last few years didn’t actually happen and then he’ll see you for who you really are. You tell yourself that if you remain persistent, stubborn and persistently stubborn, someday he’ll find it in him to finally love you back, and it will be the greatest love story that the world will ever come to know.

But that rarely happens, if it even does.

Those of us who aren’t good at pretending have only one thing left: reality. And you know what? It fucking hurts. I think what really gets to you is that even if you’re the most beautiful, kind and brilliant person in the whole entire world, it wouldn’t matter, because this guy you want so badly, the one who seems to carry the light of the entire night’s sky in his eyes, has already chosen another. And it just hurts. There’s little room for any other emotion except for cold, merciless heartache.

Some days you find yourself asking the same questions over and over again. “Am I ugly?” “Should I change?” “Aren’t I enough?” 

And then comes the big gun: “Am I difficult to love?” 

Imagine living your life plagued by all these questions that you don’t have any answers to. It’s tough, and to be honest, getting yourself in these kinds of situations takes a lot of courage and more than a lot of stupidity.

Why would you willingly put yourself through this singular kind of heartache, you ask?

Because it’s always changing; who we’re supposed to love and who we’re not. The only thing that stays the same is that we want who we want. (Yes, I totally borrowed it off of the last Game of Thrones episode, but that’s not the point.)

Loving someone who doesn’t love you back will change you. It will make you the most selfish person in the world.

There will come a time when you become willing to do something, anything, just to be with that person. You’ll turn to even the most ridiculous means, like throwing a handful of coins into a wishing well or getting a love potion from a random, creepy old woman from down the street. You’ll want him so much that you’re willing to do anything and be anything for him. There may even come a time when you consider the idea of destroying a perfectly happy relationship just to get him. There’s nothing in this planet that you won’t be willing to do or try, just as long as at the end of it all, you’ll be happily wrapped up in his arms, virtue and propriety be damned.

The funny thing is that loving someone despite him not loving you back will also make you the most selfless person in the world.

It’s important to you that he learns to love you back. You’ll learn to settle for the smallest tokens of affection, just as long as you’re no longer just a face in the crowd of people for him. It’s important to you for him to want you, too, but because you love him, it’s more important to you that he is incredibly and completely happy. You teach yourself to be content with anything, and I mean anything-his smile, his laugh, his words- as long as you know he’s happy. The only thing that you could ever want in this life is for him to live the happiest life that he possibly can, and if you love him, like truly love him, that will be enough.

You’ll learn to content yourself with doing the most stupid things just to make yourself feel like you’re somehow part of his life in even the smallest, most miniscule way. You’ll pray every single night to God and to anyone else who would listen for Him to please protect the man you love; to give him strength and good health, to bring him peace and to make him happy.

You’ll ask God for the most trivial things, like for him to have his favorite breakfast, fine weather and maybe a good parking spot. If you ever learn that he’s not feeling very well, you’ll beg the Universe for you to trade places with him, because you can’t bear to see him suffer.

You’ll just be so grateful for his existence, and you would give anything to make him happy, even if you take no part in that happiness. Despite all the pain that this non-love affair will cost you, you’ll be grateful for the fact that you could have lived your entire life without knowing each other, but you didn’t. It’s enough for you to breathe the same air, gaze at the same sky and admire the same stars. Hell, you’ll even be excited just to be in the same city as him.

Your only wish would be that he has someone to make him happy; someone who makes his coffee exactly the way he likes it, takes care of him when he’s feeling ill, shines his shoes when he forgets to do it, makes his favorite dinner and kisses his cheek before he goes out the door.

You’ll just want for there to be a place he can come home to; someone who is “home”, even if that someone isn’t you.

I told you earlier that this will be one of the most difficult, painful and tedious things that you’ll ever go through, but I swear that if God came knocking at your door and asked anything of you in exchange for the happiness of the man you love, I promise you that you would probably give it in a split second, no questions asked. He wouldn’t even have to ask twice; love is not selfish.

Loving someone you know you can’t have is foolish and stupid, but if you can’t be a fool for the person you love, who can you be a fool for?

-K

“Even after you ruined me for any other, I cannot regret you. Even as I cleave the flesh of wanting from the bone, I hope the night sky is pretty wherever you are.”