it's okay to not be okay

Buckle up, kiddos, because this is going to be a wild ride.

I'm kind of a nightmare, personality-wise. I'm that person who can never admit when they're wrong, hates asking others for help, and insists on doing everything on my own because I'm a strong, independent woman who doesn't need anyone. I don't want to be perceived as weak. Intellectually, I know that none of the above mentioned things makes one weak; I never look down on others for having these qualities. I just don't like admitting that I possess them myself.

Because I struggle with admitting I'm human and therefore have flaws and weaknesses, I have a hard time allowing myself to heal. See, the thing about healing is that it's painful, and scar tissue isn't as strong as the rest of you. I'd much rather just internalize everything and never start healing so that I don't have to deal with it. I want to get better, to be better, but I don't want to go through the process; I want to skip straight to the end when I'm healed. Life doesn't work that way.

I'm learning to be more gentle with myself. Someone once told me that I should treat myself the way I want others to treat me, and that really changed the way I view myself. I started paying attention and realized how often I casually tore myself down in an effort to pretend like I don't have weak spots. I guess I thought that by criticizing those things, it somehow invalidates them? I don't really know, if we're being honest. I just know that, somewhere along the way, I stopped treating myself as kindly as I treat others. It's just another way I'm incapable of letting myself heal.

I realize now how important it is to give myself time to heal, and the only way to do that is to stop picking at my wounds. I can't keep pretending like I don't get hurt because it's just holding me back. The healing process is vital to life, yet I keep delaying it because I don't want to deal with it. Because I don't want to be human. It's so ridiculous how many things I still carry with me and torture myself with; many of them are things I should have let go of years ago. 

Rumi once wrote, "The wound is the place where the light enters you." It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to be weak, to be human, to admit that you're hurt, to give yourself time to heal. I know it hurts, but the end result is a strong, healthy heart, rather than the brittle and broken one you get as a result of never getting better. I know that it doesn't feel worth it half the time, that it feels more productive to squash everything deep down inside you and keep on trucking. Know that it isn't. As hard as it is, we've got to let ourselves heal. It's the only way to let the light end.

Let yourself be not okay. Let yourself feel things. Let yourself heal.