the hot mess guide to surviving finals week

In honor of finals being right around the corner, your resident hot mess is here with some helpful tips to help you make it through the semester.

1. Prioritize. You know that Norwegian TV show you discovered and are in love with but requires you to spend hours on Google translate because they aren't subbed in English and you have to know what happens next? Keep on translating, and maybe you should just start learning Norwegian. Look, those papers you have to write will still be there tomorrow, but the internet will not hesitate to spoil that show for you. While you're at it, maybe you should decorate for Christmas too? A festive dorm is absolutely the best place to study. Besides, you do your best work under pressure. Procrastinate on, my friend.

2. Caffeinate. Don't like coffee? Drink tea. Don't like tea? Drink soda. Don't like soda? Hook yourself up to a caffeine IV drip--or drink some Redbull, they're basically the same thing. I know most people don't throw around the phrase "puke and rally," in regards to studying, but I do because I have seen things, y'all. There is no better vehicle for your stress crying and wallowing in self-loathing. I recommend a white mocha from Starbucks with a couple extra shots, iced so you can chug it before you make it out the door. 

3. Cause a scene. The best way to let everyone know you are suffering? Loud sobbing in the library, or at your mom's house, or in the middle of class. A suitable alternative is yelling at your laptop--doing this in the library gets you style points. You should also text everyone you know and complain about how hard college is and emphasize to your friends (who are likely also in college, and probably the same one as you) that they just don't understand because no one has it as hard as you. There's nothing like alienating those around you to really fill you with finals cheer.

4. Attempt to do all your assignments at once. Don't listen to Ron Swanson; you should absolutely half ass multiple things instead of full-assing one thing. Personally, I like to do a little bit of reading, then write a paragraph or two for multiple papers, then take an hour long break, and finish up with ten flashcards. Repeat cycle until your brain turns to mush.

5. Procrastinate. Listen, this is so important that it needs to be discussed twice. The absolute best way to get through finals is to pretend like they don't exist. What's a due date? What's a library? What do you mean the entire last week of the semester is dedicated to tests and papers? Denial is your friend. Anything you can think of to do that isn't school related, do it. Organize your closet? Absolutely. Binge watch all six seasons of Community? Yes, please. Memorize the entire Hamilton soundtrack? Essential. 

6. Embrace the inevitable. You now have 48 hours to research and write that paper you've known about for months. Downward spiraling is knocking at your door. You're starting to hate yourself. Good. Harness those negative feelings and channel them into the most beneficial part of finals week: a good, long, messy cry. The uglier the better. Wallow in the fact that you're the absolute worst and you've willingly and enthusiastically turned your life into a living Hell. This will provide all the motivation you need for the next step.

7. Get shit done. The deadlines are finally real. It's time to pack your stuff up and go somewhere with minimal distractions. I recommend the library at 3 am because literally no one else is there and therefore you cannot try to make new friends in an attempt to put off doing your work. Bring all the caffeine you can carry and some snacks and prepare for a long couple of days. If at all possible, just camp out there; every time you re-enter the real world, you run the risk of not getting everything done. Become the mole person who lives in the library. Everyone will remember you--this will be your legacy. Do your studying, write your papers, take your tests. Nothing else matters anymore. Get off your damn phone, Bernice.

8. Recover. So you're finally done. It's time to stop being a human garbage can. Eat a vegetable, drink some water, and go to sleep. Pack all the stuff you need to go home, and sleep on your mom's couch for the next four weeks. You've earned it.