Dear Once Loved,
I bet you remember it like it was yesterday, meeting your soulmate, the one, your death do us part. You were instantly in love, rainbows, butterflies, chemistry, and the disillusions of how they would complete your life. You might have even picked out baby names and wedding dresses creepily before a steady relationship. Fast forward months or years later and it's hard to imagine how you got here, hearing the infamous quote heard by so many of us " I don't love you anymore." They may even add " I love you like my sister." You're hurt, so now what? You must grieve this relationship like the death of a loved one. You will be losing that person who meant so much to you. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross talks about the 5 stages of the grief process. Remember, grief is an individualized process and you won't go in order. There is no prescribed time limit or right or wrong way to go through the process.
I personally don't know how much time or years I wasted in and out of this phase, instead of properly preparing for the inevitable. However, I do remember reflecting back and the writing was ALWAYS on the wall, even before marriage. The warning signs, intuition, and common sense were subdued by disillusions of the future. Denial is the stage were he tells you he doesn't love you and wants a divorce. This is a key stage because they have already shown you they don't love you! Yet, you press on like everything is okay or try harder to make them love you. Unfortunately, it won't work and the sooner you come to terms with this, the better emotionally and financially prepared you will be.
If you are here, you are begging him to stay, trying to loose weight, praying to God, and maybe bargaining with the devil. I know it sounds crazy, but in this stage we try bargaining with an illogical individual, but there mind is made up bargaining won't help. We only devalue our true worth and selling our respect. Don't take my word for it, read Bishop T.D. Jakes's Let Them Go, than maybe you can grasp your value.
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, “They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us.” [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And, if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over, so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead. You’ve got to know when it’s dead. You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of goodbye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift. I believe in “goodbye”. It’s not that I’m insensitive or uncaring, it’s that I trust. I know whatever and whomever God means for me to have and be a part of my life He will give. And, if a relationship takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!
Go ahead and crank up I'm Not Goin Cry by Mary J. Blige, but don't go burning stuff. Anger can be a tool or a slow poison. You will be hurt and hurt people want to do hurt things. I know anger, the type you build a life, have a home, and he ask you to move out in 14 days around the holidays and doesn't even offer a U-Haul. I actually laughed in his face, it was comical. I was angry and amused but not shocked, so I decided to use my anger as tool. Unfortunately, divorce is a battle and your soon to be ex-husband is the enemy. I don't mean enemy as in destroy them but, you have to do what is best for you and your children if you have them. Divorce can possibly get nasty, be expensive, and mentally exhausting. Anger use it as your fuel to get through the divorce. Remember, to do what is best for you because they will be trying to do what's best for them.
" Be angry, but sin not"
The moment you realize your marriage is really over. You must learn to live as an I and not as a we. You've become a part of the 50% and you are battling an array of emotions. You feel hurt, shame, an unloved. How will we divide our assets, friends, children, etc.? Don't worry too much or too long about these thoughts. These thoughts will only depress and drive you more into despair. You can sort these out when necessary, don't dwell on them. You are loved and you have to get out of this funk. I don't mean by entering into another relationship before the ink dries, you need to time to learn, heal, and grieve.
Welcome, accepted! I am so glad you made it through. Hopefully, in your right mind and stronger than ever. You thought you couldn't make it without them but you are getting stronger everyday. This stage doesn't mean you won't be slightly annoyed. Dear loved, you accepted that that person is a wasband, he was your husband but he isn't anymore and you come to realize the Good in goodbye.
You moved on but if you share kids or he has a new girlfriend, it won't be such an easy break. I was blessed to not have children with my wasband but his new girlfriend, jump-off, or thot, had other ideas. You may not have guessed because I am a blogger, but I am really a private person. So private, my job only found out about my divorce when I requested a name change.
I was really looking forward to my divorce and the future. I had grieved my divorce years before the papers were actually filed and when it happened, I was just going through the process. I thought clean break, no kids, and I know my rights. Well, his new girl and soon to be baby mama took it upon herself to TRY to make me mad or jealous, bless her naïve heart. It was all in vain because I know my ex and what she has. I was truly over him and our marriage. Initially, she would call the house prior to my divorce, to hear me breathe, she wouldn't even block out her number. I had moved on but, she wanted to try to rub it in my face or something. You can't hurt someone who doesn't care and has moved on. Silence is the best response to a fool.
She stalked me on Pinterest liked my post, and posted baby cribs to Pins, to let me know she was pregnant. She called my job, my job! I have never met or had a conversation with this girl, yet she took it upon herself to attempt to infiltrate my life. Request was denied, even when she attempted some apology when they broke up, I am only telling you to be mindful just because you have accepted it and moved on, he may have found a girl with some form of mental instability. Be careful, some people are truly unstable and may try to literally hurt you. I will be sharing more on my experience because this has truly impacted future dating. I got to be like so, can I get the psych and mental report for you and all of your ex's? Have they ever slashed your tires or you? I am laughing but people have a hard time letting people go, just read the news.
Lastly, I want to you to remember you will be able to laugh about your divorce too. The following tips below are my opinions and experiences, I'm no lawyer or real therapist, Always, do your own research and verify even what your lawyer says.
- You are loved!
- This too, shall pass!
- Be angry, but sin not!
- Do what's best for you!
- Go throught the process.
- Don't rely on your lawyer only, do your own research! (This step is very important, it can save you time and money. Also, it let's you know your rights, law, and what you are entitled to.)
Published by Laina Larisse