by any memes necessary

by any memes necessary

Hi. My name is Linda and I am a meme expert wench addict.

A meme addictI didn’t intend for it to happen. It just did. One minute I was on bed rest for a flare up and the next thing I knew I was checking my Twitter, Instagram and Facebook accounts for memes every chance I got. First thing in the morning. Last thing at night. In the wee hours of the morning. In the bathroom. In the car. It was bad, I tell ya, bad.

In my defence, there wasn’t much else for me to do. For almost three weeks, the only thing I could do was lay flat on my back while recovering from the flare up. To distract me, I surfed the net for memes that made me laugh out loud or shout to the high heavens, “No way!”, “Me, too!”, “I know, right?”

Before I knew it, I had saved oodles and oodles of the addictive things, planning to return to them at a later date. But, why wait? Why not share? Why not use them to fight all that is evil in this crazy world of fake news by giving you a glimpse into my non-fake one, using memes to reveal some random facts about me? I know, right? Epic. Mind blowing. Jaysus H. Christopher, I was bored out of my ever-loving twisted mind so forgive me for all of this.

Random Fact #1

I have to force myself to eat vegetables.

Get your shit together vegetables

Is it too much to ask?

Random Fact #2

I am incredibly calm in almost any emergency situation. However, if bats, birds or chickens are involved, you’re on your own. #sorrynotsorry

We’re all gonna die!!

Random Fact #3

I have a spirit animal.

We’re the perfect match.

Random Fact #4

I should never have passed my driver’s test thirty-six years ago (#oldnotold). I totally bombed parallel parking. My father somehow managed to charm the pants off the examiner by convincing him that, if he would just pass me, he would teach me how to parallel park. The examiner did. My father didn’t. I have never parallel parked to this day.

How to parallel park

I’m a problem solver, people.

Random Fact #5

As a teeny bopper, I had a YUGE crush on Derek from the Bay City Rollers. Don’t even get me started on Loverboy. #sooldnotold

Who am I kidding? You are so judging me right now.

Random Fact #6

I ate an entire row of vanilla cream Girl Guide cookies on March 25th and I didn’t feel guilty about it because, well, Girl Guide cookies.

Say no to Girl Guide Cookies.jpg

You’re judging me again, aren’t you?

Random Fact #7

Unexpected company causes me tremendous anxiety, like seriously, a lot. I need to know when someone is coming to visit. (Don’t even try telling me that you’re coming to see me, not my house. That bullshit hogwash doesn’t work with me.) I need to know that I have booze refreshments to offer, that no one is going to be assaulted by cobwebs hanging down, and that there is no pee on the toilet seat. I also like to be out of my pyjamas, have ‘the girls’ strapped in, and the sleep wiped from of my eyes.

Just call ahead, okay?

Random Fact #8

I read the Fault in Our Stars and didn’t cry. Sad movies don’t make me cry either. Real live personal stories do.

Back to the judging, eh?

Random Fact #9

People say they like the way my mind works which is a polite way of saying that my ever-loving twisted mind does not work like their normal ones do. I’m not sure who my mind works like but, if you’re breathing a sigh of relief right now, it’s probably not yours.

Seriously, though. How did they get up there?

Random Fact #10

I have never drank a cup of coffee, smoked a cigarette, or toked a reefer.

I don't go to strip clubs

But I did see male strippers at the Shady Lady Disco in Renfrew once.

So, there you have it. Straight forward random facts about yours truly. What’s your favourite meme? Are you addicted to crack memes, too? Tell me your story. Sharing is caring, people.

Memes: 1
12-step program: 0

Today’s something new:  admitting that I may or may not be a heartless sociopath.



Published by Linda Kauffeldt

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