Hanabi: Colors of life

How nice would it be if everything will just be a dream?  Everything that happened will be washed away completely  when I wake up.  I still dream of you until know. I can still dream those times when you're suffering. It has always been there. Your silent screams, your self harm, everything comes to me, It's always been a nightmare for me. How badly I wanted to save you. Take your hand, tell you to fight back. Everything for you was completely black. You've encountered lots of people in your life. I know, I saw you trying to be part of this world. You were longing for it, right? Acceptance and Love. 

Acceptance, when you learned that not everyone can accept you, when you learned that you can't please everyone, you tried to run away, didn't you? How many years where you longing for it? Years, years, and years....how many years has it been when everyone told you you shouldn't be here. you shouldn't have been born. You were trying to find your place in this world but no matter how much you searched for it, you never found it.  

Love, it was something you're scared of. You never looked anyone in the eye. you never let anyone look at you, you never let anyone know how you feel. Even those people who you call mom and dad. You shut yourself in the world, keeping every pain and darkness to yourself. But you were longing for it. You were secretly begging God for it. You wished for something you never believed in.  It's almost like a lie. You wished someone would held you when you're at your limit, seeking death over and over again. 

You as a kid loved fireworks. It was something that makes you happy. to the point that it makes you cry. You never understood why every time there's a fireworks display, tears constantly falls down to your cheeks. But as you grew, as you discover lots of things, you have realized the reason why. Fireworks are like you. No matter how dark the world you're in it, when you unleash your feelings, different colors of you splashes, it illuminates in the dark. You still shine..no matter how dark your world is. 

I've hated you throughout my life. while I was in the journey in accepting, growing, loving, whenever the void of past gets me, my feet would always run away from you. You were my fear. You were something I can't fight. You were the demon that hunts me on my sleep and even when I'm awake. I couldn't surpass you. 

But there was this moment when I was caught off guard. I was in the verge of letting go. You and me was something that I wanted to end. I thought that If I let you go, all of your pain will be gone and I will be able to help myself as well. But someone held my hand. there were people who caught me when as I fall. And with that, a little hope was born. their warm hands are enough reason for me to hold on. 

And now, I am writing this at the age of 20. This letter is for my old self and for my future self. 

I want you to know that before you ask for acceptance to others, ask yourself first...do you, yourself accept the way you are before and after? Before thinking of others, think of yourself first. Do I accept my self? Do I love myself? Years from now, I'm sure you're happy. You accepted who you are before, what kind of a person you are in the past. I am thankful to you my old self. because of you, I become someone who learns to accept how cruel the world is, that the world is not perfect, neither you and I is. Even though we had ups and downs, I'll never forget it, that's the only thing I'm sure.