Hello everyone. How are you? After posting my first blog on here with my Dad's laptop, I stumbled upon some things in his picture box. Somehow in April 2014 (as the date of the first one said), he opened up camera and started taping himself. It was both sad and funny watching him. And it made me think this was a way I can still remember him as if he was here. It made me sad to think I could have taught him this or explained it more to him. My eyes teared as I found the rest of the videos after that one was dated February 2016. A month before he passed, he played with his video camera on the laptop. His first video was him talking to mom and confused on what it was showing a moving image of him. The last video I saw of him had him falling asleep in front of the computer, which made me laugh because he used to do that a lot. But also made me sad because as his health deteriorated, so did his energy. He fell asleep more often this year than in the past. I'd watch him fall asleep after eating two to three bites of food. I used to wake him up and say he was sleeping. He'd always reply he wasn't- he was just meditating. But I never believed that and he'd just smile. This year whenever I woke him up he'd be startled for a second. Then, he'd look at me and smile. He didn't say it anymore, that he was only meditating. I could see him more weaker. It hurts seeing these videos but also makes me happy because ever since he passed, it seems like he is fading away from me. I can't keep images of him. I can't remember his voice or how he walked- nothing. These videos give me that a little bit. I just wished if I had taught him how to use it, these videos wouldn't be of just him playing and learning about video camera. It could have been used for more. He could have used it to say things- messages for mom, brother, and I or someone. When I was in college, after I taught him emailing, he used to email me and help me with my studies that way or send me little messages. I thought maybe I could have had that and heard his voice. If only I had taught him this, he could have done skype with family. Sadly, I never taught him. But I have to remember what happens in life cannot be changed. Like a VHS/DVD player, life cannot be rewound. What's done is done. What you can change, try. What you can't, you have to accept and move on. I don't know how to move on knowing I may forget my Dad because it's already happening. Everything in the past is becoming vague individual pieces of missing puzzles. I have only a few VHS family videos I could watch, but it's not the same. I am very grateful to find these videos. It reminds me more of my Dad than the past videos he used to record on his video camera. I think it's because it's more recent and I remember more of the recent him than the past him.
My question to the readers, how do you all handle grief? How did you if you are not going through grief now? How do you know if you are handling grief in a healthy way? People say it gets better. Does it really? Because I can't see how it could.
Thanks for your time.
Published by Lisa Maria