Have you ever wondered how some women, especially moms, have superhero powers that can transform them from one of class and sophistication into washed-up old hags in minutes? Like Superman ripping off his reporters' suit and nerdy glasses to reveal the superhero he truly is underneath, I also have such mystical powers to alter other people's perceptions of who I can appear to be 2% of the time (classy and sophisticated) into who I truly am 98% of the time (a repulsive-looking soccer mom). There's no need to search Google and Pinterest for days on the best how-to practices for achieving this eye-popping, unicorn-esque look where people can't stop staring at you. I, Sarah Mabry, am here to personally teach YOU how to accomplish this one of kind look through my patented 13½ step process designed to give yourself what I call the "Mommy Make-Under."
The biggest misconception of the Mommy Make-Under is that it's only for ladies with kids. Boy, do I have great news for you! Anyone, even YOU, college sorority girl, registered nurse, administrative assistant, and grandma, can sport this all too trendy look that's sweeping the suburbs. Now don't get discouraged if after following these simple 13½ steps you don't look like you got hit by a train like I do, as results will vary. The main thing is that you take it one step at a time, as my Mommy Make-Under program is delicately designed to build from one step to the next. I'm only offering these closely guarded secrets for free here exclusively on MabryLiving.com for a limited time until my self-published book is released this summer. One final recommendation before we get stated: I highly recommend that you document yourself at the beginning of Step One. I also recommend you contact your dentist because there's a good chance no one will be able to identify you when you get to Step 13½ without dental records. Grab a cocktail and some bonbons because here we go!
Actually take a shower, wash your face, shave, floss, brush your teeth, clean your ears, moisturize your skin, pluck your eyebrows, apply make up, dry and style your hair, and dress in a cute outfit, being sure to accessorize with jewelry.
Snap that selfie, you animal! Remember, there's a good chance you won't look (or smell) like this again for years.
Not going to lie, this step takes commitment. Don't do ANY of the things outlined in Step 1 for a minimum of four days.
Allow those nice greasy layers of "Crisco Glow," as I call them to accumulate on your hair, which is mandatory for the messy mommy-tail (or ponytail) outlined in Step 9.
Through years of well-documented scientific testing** I found that leg hair length at day four of the Mommy Make-Under process has the perfect amount of prickliness to them. It's not too short, not too long, but just right. My testing also revealed that eyebrow bushiness after four days of not being plucked take on that perfect, organic contour we're all after. In case you missed it: shaving and plucking are No-No's.
** The only animals harmed during testing were groundhogs. CLICK HERE to see the video of the effects testing had on them.
This is where the effects of the Make-Under really start to gel. Take off that precious jewelry you got as a gift from your significant other or passed down from your grandma; you won't be needing it where you're going. Where are you going, you ask? Well, you're going to be busy playing football, house, basketball, dolls, wrestling, dress up, sword fighting, watching the same movie 20 times in a row, cooking, cleaning, scrapping kids' boogers off of faces (your kids' faces and your own face), cutting gum out of hair, and the endless job of cleaning poop off of every imaginable body part and household surface you can think of...and a handful you never knew existed. Additionally, jewelry serves as a choking hazard; it will get tugged on during these events causing chains to snap, beads to spill, and diamonds to chip (which actually happened to my diamond). It's not worth the risk. So lose the jewelry, little miss Cinderella wannabe!
By now you're probably starting to realize you can stop trying to look put-together. You know those expensive, fitted outfits you spent your spouses' Father's Day money on in retaliation for getting pee in your mouth when changing your son's diaper that your husband was supposed to change but didn't because he was "watching the most important football game of the year?" Throw them in that heap on your floor of your bedroom that won't be tended to for at least two more weeks and slip into something a little more comfy and realistic.
Instead of "big people" clothes, I recommend a soft, CapriSun-stained tattered cotton shirt and a cozy pair of over-sized sweatpants with crusty spit up stains. Do it quickly because you're needed immediately in the kitchen to prepare the fourth freaking snack of the morning for your ungrateful snots, I mean perfect angels, Make sure your brats, I mean precious mini-me's, dangle from your shirttail with their sticky, grubby paws. For you vintage enthusiasts out there, this enhances that distressed princess look.
Quickly flop that Crisco-glowing messy mommy-tail (or bun if you prefer) that we started working on days ago somewhere on your head. By this time your hair is guaranteed to have baby food and other unidentifiable objects strung throughout.
Gingerly attempt to finger comb through the gunk to secure your messy mommy-tail for a highly personalized look. To perfect it, make sure there are plenty of lumps and randomly placed Bobbi-pins to hold back any loose clumps.
Take your make up off! Wait till most of your make up is under your eyes before you remove all of it.This helps to polish the exhausted mom look. Good job. You're almost done.
Feverishly wrestle your expensive glasses from your little Gremlins. Now the lenses should be nice and blurry. Who needs to see? You couldn't see even if you wanted to from the delirium of the day that never ends. Put them on anyway so you feel like you're at least trying to see (and care) what's going on at this point. The permanently crooked frames are a perfect match for your ever-digressing ensemble that has now become your staple look.
Hold on to your newly broken glasses because this step is where the Mommy Make-Under crescendos with the addition of the always stylish baby wrap. A Bjorn or hiking backpack are acceptable forms of touting your screaming, teething baby around the house.
Buy the book! Don't delay because the first 2 people to pre-order my book will receive a free used rancid smelling, unraveling, crusty baby wrap.
Well, there's actually not a book. Maybe I'll make a DVD series instead. But seriously, this blog is for entertainment purposes only so don't anticipate an actual book on this subject...like...ever.
Voila! There you have it. Congrats on your new look. I knew you could pull it off. With a little TLC you should be able to foster this trendy style for years to come. Be sure to post your selfies of your best attempt at a Mommy Make-Under to the Mabry Living Facebook page. The winner will receive a free book.
*If you are you not happy with these results, you can follow my son's instructions on how to do the proper Mommy Makeover.
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