We need to talk. I think I am finally ready to call it quits. No, this isn’t like the last hundred times when I pushed you away and then came running back to you when I couldn’t deal. This is for real this time. You’ve done nothing but bring me down and it is time for you to pack your things and go. I’ve clung on to you for too long out of insecurity and a fear of the unknown. Now, I think I can finally shrug you off and move on.
I know you were always there for me late at night when I couldn’t sleep. You wrapped around me like a security blanket laced with small pox. You seeped into my dreams and woke me with heavy breathing. You coerced my hand to shovel Ben & Jerry’s down my throat. My friends and family always warned me about how toxic you could be, but I never wanted to listen. It felt easier to keep you around, than live without you. My mom especially hated you.
We’ve been together since 7th grade, when I couldn’t sleep for weeks wondering if I would get straight A’s. I always told myself you were a better partner than optimism, that sneaky bitch that occasionally let me down. She would whisper hopes into my ear and get me excited about the future, only to rip the rug out from under me. She would laugh when I hit the ground and felt betrayed. At least you rarely let me down. Oftentimes, life turned out so much better with you by my side and left me feeling relieved. You prepared me for the worst, so that anything that happened could not disappoint me. We had a good run there for a while, but I realize now that you’ve stolen my youth and happiness.
That is why, I must say goodbye and never look back. Hope doesn’t make me sick to my stomach or restless at night. Sure, things don’t always work out the way I hope, but I don’t need you saying, “I told you so!” At least hope is attractive and I feel prettier when I’m with him. He makes me smile, wipes away my tears, and keeps me from wallowing in a bowl of ice cream. I also love sleeping with him. He’s way better in bed. He keeps me warm and lulls me to sleep. I never once wake in fear when I’m with him. Don’t be jealous, there are plenty of people out there seeking you. I’m just done with this toxic relationship.
Please don’t call me late at night. I won’t answer. Forget my name and that you ever knew me. I’ve moved on. I think I might even marry hope. Life is brighter this way. Even if bad things happen, I’ll be able to keep my head up with hope by my side. Go cower in the darkness where you belong. I won’t let you steal my happiness any more. Don’t bother with my friends or family either, no one likes you around here. Scram!
Thanks to hope, I’m smiling again. The world looks brighter. I can see the light. I can breathe again. Hope is everything I’ve been looking for, I just needed the courage to leave you for him. Now, excuse me while I go dance in the sun and feel its rays kiss my cheeks and arms!
Published by Melissa Gittelman