10 Questions Donald Trump Needs to Answer Before Taking Office

Dear Mr. Trump,

With your recent election and selection of nominations for various positions of national import, I think it only fair you be subjected to a few questions the American public and, if I’m not being overly hyperbolic in assumption, the world at large, think need prompt answering before I or any of us who didn’t cast a vote for you will feel ready to call you our commander-in-chief, the big puddin’ cup, or, if I might be so bold to call you by your rap name: OG Toupee.

Thus, please respond in a timely manner, while of course keeping said manner to not an overtly anxiety-blossoming way. In translation, if you could be so kind as to send your responses FedEx next day and not parcel post, I’m sure myself, and the vast tenter-hooked readership at my (i.e. our) disposal would appreciate it and maybe even consider purchasing one of your hats (my summer softball league is in the market, after all).

Please find my (by which I mean the American public’s, and, again, not to be too grandiose, the global interest’s, questions below).

1. Who is your favorite supervillain? (side note: I know that was actually you in a bald cap playing Kingpin in Daredevil).
2. You’re playing strand-marry-kill (a variant of bang-marry-kill where the stranded participant gets isolated on a desert island for the rest of their existence) and your three choices are Paul Ryan, Hillary Clinton, and Ted Cruz. What’s your decision?
3. If you could have dinner with any single person, dead or alive, from any point in history, please explain why you would choose Ayn Rand?
4. If you could pick any actor/actress to portray you in a biopic about your time as president, who would you choose? (additional side note: your two options are Ron Howard and Matthew Broderick)
5. Potato chips or pretzels?
6. I have a philosophical dilemma. I’ve heard it said that if Bill Gates stopped to pick up a one hundred dollar bill he’d actually be losing money because of his constantly accumulative net worth and how valuable his time is so if I apply that same illogicality to you and your net worth and I laid a trail of one dollar bills from your front door to, say, the Washington Monument, and you bothered to pick up each one as you went, would I have in effect just cost you a lot of money and in even greater effect, essentially just hired your pseudo-consultation services at an enormous discount?
7. You and Nick Cage in a buddy cop film. Yes or no?
8. What are your top fifteen date night meals, and on a Likert scale of good cooking to better cooking, where do you rank yourself?
9. Spirit animal? (caution: if you say Rudy Guliani, you’re dead to me).
10. (Please feel free to answer a self-created question here or else please respond by telling me what exactly your plan is for our country; I offer the first alternative because I know, from statistical/anecdotal evidence, it seems more likely to garner serious consideration.)

Sincerely,

An interested, concerned, question-ready citizen.

(P.S. my name is Michael Prihoda and I would love it if you got back to me by email, phone, or shoot me a Snapchat [of you and the fam #huge]; really, I’m not picky).