I'll give you a few moments to look at this photo and form your own opinion of what happened here . . .
This guy chose CHICKEN over safe sex. He was obviously sent to the supermarket to pick up condoms, and when the display of chicken caught his attention he said fuck it, I'd rather have a couple of kids then miss out on this savory chicken.
I like to think he held the box of condoms in one hand and the chicken in his other—indecision overwhelming him. I like to think he made a pros and cons list, but there is no way he would've done that because the obvious choice would be the condoms, right?
Pros for condoms:
Boom! The list should stop right there. I know deli fried chicken that has been sitting under a heat lamp all day is good, but damn, what if you have kids? Then your whole life is fucked. Don't get me wrong, kids are a wonderful gift, but they sure as hell destroy your life. Kids are great, yeah, I said that already, but when you hear the words "I'm pregnant" you can feel your life violantly implode on itself. Remember those dreams? Lol, bye dreams! Like, I want to be clear: kids are the best gift a person can receive—they make you mature, you change hormonally, and having children gives you the highest sense of personal fulfillment. That said, it's over. No more partying until 4 am; no more dropping acid at festivals; and certainly no more "business ideas" involving the manufacturing of Catassains (Cats with bayonets on their heads. Coming in 2020). But maybe ALL of that wasn't convicing enough. So lets keep going.
Pros for condoms cont.
BOOM! You've made your decision again. This is such an easy ch—well, I don't know. Most STD's are curable if you just throw some pills at that thang. No biggie. So are condoms the best choice here? Let's take a look at the pros and cons for chicken.
Pros for chicken:
Chicken is delicious and full of nutrition.
You can use the container after the fact for holding things like: old receipts, marbles, toenails, etc.
Maybe I'm starting to understand this gentleman's logic on this one. Let's look at the cons.
Cons for chicken:
The bones m—no that's not true.
. . .
THERE ARE NO CONS FOR CHICKEN!!! There are totally cons for condoms: sex with a condom is depressing, your house smells like latex gloves for two years, they are hard to get on, having sex with a condom eliminates the risk factor thus reducing the passion thus ensuring really bad sex, etc. etc. I could keep going! Most people looked at this picture, laughed and probably assumed this guy was an idiot, but I think we just discovered that this person was and is a genius!
This genius, lets call him "Matt Damon," made the correct choice. He saw a philosophical dilemma before him and using a series of checks and balances made the right decision. Matt Damon probably got home with a steaming container full of chicken, smells filling the room, and presented it to his mate. The aroma of chicken is a well-known aphrodisiac, so your damn right she was still in the mood. After devouring the chicken and nourishing their minds and bodies, a chamber in the woman's brain reignited, and she remembered that she did in fact have a condom in her car.
They got the chicken.
And some after-chicken sex.
That is what I call a win-win.
What did we learn? If you are ever at the same crossroad: choose chicken.
(This is starting to sound a lot like the plot of Good Will Hunting.)
Your Mother's Favorite,
Published by Nash Faulk