What I Wanted to Say

You promised me that everything would work out. 

But that working out might look a little different than we expected.​

...was this what you had in mind?

​I need to apologize, because I know I've said and done some hurtful things. In the aftermath, I've been snappy and aggressive like a small wounded animal. It's not you, and it is not out of hate. I'm just in pain and fearful.

Still, I didn't want to hurt you in any way. The following is instead what I wanted to say...

Realize that every single day I walk by the building we met in, the corner you asked me out on, and your bike on the walkway. I have class in the room you kissed me outside of and stand in the stairwell where you met me before our second date. We worked out in the gym I visit. You got me food at almost every restaurant I eat at. Missing you and reliving us is my constant reality. 

I still love you. I still don't see why it had to end. I still go to sleep crying each night. I still wake up each morning hoping to find you near. I still think of you over my lunch breaks each day. 

I miss seeing your face pop up on my phone. I miss our little talks, and our big talks. I miss how you could make me laugh over the smallest things. I miss hearing you call me beautiful each day. I miss knowing about your studies. 

I wish I could check in on you when you're stressed out. I wish I could give you a bunch of small kisses just because. I wish I could disagree with you, and be challenged by you. 

I'm sorry for being so clingy. I'm sorry for overreacting so much. I'm sorry for being so needy. I'm sorry for being so far. I'm sorry I couldn't see the signs, and understand what was coming. I'm sorry for making contact.

You were almost everything people told me to look for. You were sunsets and mountain tops. You were what I needed. You were my best friend. You were adventures and anchors. You were one of the only people I trust. You were what I wanted. You were home.

She better be the sweetest person you ever know. She better enjoy packing your suitcases for you. She better bring you peace of mind. 

But I couldn't say these things, you took that option from me. So instead I had to say never, that friendship just couldn't be. Because if I ever saw you again, I'd visit that place in my mind. A world of what might have been where we'd never say goodbye. You will always be either a lover or a stranger, I cannot settle in between. You voted for the stranger, and so that is what must be.

Now I'm sending these thoughts far away from my head, where you'll never know the things I wish I could've said.