10 Ways to Die in College for Newcomers

1. Overpack

Even though you have a limited amount of space, feel free to bring all those clothes you will never wear because you will not end up wearing the same outfit for one whole week. Also bring all your shoes too. Ten plates, five utensils, and three cups should definitely be enough and 20 boxes of unnecessary items should not clutter your room. Now, try not to overwhelm yourself when you unpack as you are trying to find spaces to put away your things and when you're going back home trying to pack everything you have collected and hoarded during your first year of college.

2. Don't Get a Weather App

It's 90 degrees outside, extra humid, and super windy but you wouldn't know because you don't have a weather app so you end up wearing a heavy cardigan and denim jeans sweating your way to class, and now your pits are soggy and a bird has created its nest in your hair.

3. Buy Your Textbooks from the Campus Bookstore

One way to save money in college is buy all your books from the campus bookstore. Yes! $15 for a book that you can buy as a used on Barnes and Noble for $3.

4. Don't Read

The professor expects you to read a 300 page book in two weeks?! Well, you don't have time for such shenanigans! You need to finish The Office first before making any serious commitments. You'll probably need to read in order to write essays and pass the exams though...but don't let that scare you, let your money for those books waste away.

5. Use Google and Wikipedia

The library is scary...don't use the library and their credible sources. Google and Wikipedia should be fine! They're easy to access and kind of credible right?? This guy you are writing your research essay about that is worth about 75% of your grade DEFINITELY died from being flung across the ocean in a catapult right into a whale's blowhole. For sure.

6. Don't Poop

Be kind to those people who are brushing their teeth while you are in the stalls trying to let out a big one! They don't deserve this kind of treatment! Just die in the stall with your pants hanging around you ankle trying to hold your poop in as more people come in to brush their teeth.

7. Don't Brush Teeth While Showering

If you don't like conserving your time don't brush your teeth in the shower, just keep waiting for a sink to open up so you can spend about five minutes brushing your teeth, which could have been used to pick your 4th outfit later, if you're a girl, and then another 10 minutes showering.

8. Shower Without Shower Shoes

You will most likely slip and fall and die.

9. Take 8AM Classes

You should enroll in an 8 a.m. class because you can definitely make it!

10. Try to Fit in

This matters! Try to fit in or you'll be lonely forever! Go play that sport you hate because everyone you know plays it. Go party and drink because all the cool kids do it! You want to be cool obviously!

Published by Nee Vang


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