Anxiety is the mother load of extra emotions, we have never asked for or want. And in love it seems to triple which can be quite crippling at times. Especially during a break up, where although it's normal to ask ourselves questions and reflect, with anxiety I feel like it makes us question everything.
We find ourselves replaying every conversation we've ever had with that person. We filter through,
Every "trust me"
Every "we'll be OK"
Every "I love you"
Every "you're the one"
As if the narrative will change.
As if that's the key to putting the pieces back together.
As if it will make a difference.
Surely there should be a point when we've been there enough to know it won't change a thing, but yet we continue to press play on past conversations and actions.
Hoping that we'll see something different.
Hoping that we'll hear the truth.
Hoping we get the validation we think we need, the one that tells us we were right to protect our hearts all along.
However this week, I had the sudden realisation that no matter how much you try to protect your heart, it can still break. Shocking, right?
And that it possibly breaks even more because now not only is your heart broken, but you "knew" all along that it could be and yet, yet you choose to take the risk. In the name of love, hope, a promised future?
Don't get me wrong I'm not sitting here judging you for it, or pretending I won't ever take risks again, because I will. As I strongly believe that it's in our nature to find people to build stories with, until you or they rip up the pages.
It's just that I don't think love and anxiety can co-exist peacefully, until you understand how to separate one from the other. Something I am only now in my twenties, learning to do.
*First post on MTS .. so bear with me in terms of feature photo, and other small errors* :)
Published by Ninette D.S