For eighteen years and over, I’ve been trying so hard to get every little thing right. I am that much of an unhealthy perfectionist; everything filtered up to the smallest of grains that I took all the insecurities of the world and called them mine.
“you shouldn’t be that, you shouldn’t be this”.
I grow to live life with such doubt and fear and limit myself by the walls I didn’t consciously know I built. I tried to create an image of what seemed to be the perfect “me”, or at its very least, the kind of person everyone would prefer me to be. –the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect honor student, all that and even more. And with such pure and innocent intention of wanting to be good enough for myself and everybody, I didn’t had the slightest of idea that it will be the one that would break me.
In trying to follow my not so well-constructed belief, I had made a lot of mistake, pick the wrong decision and wind up feeling lost.
I slowly realize how I am turning into the person I never wanted to be. I was drowning of negativity; constantly pushing everybody off, not letting anybody in, refusing all the help offered by the ones concerned and try and pretend that everything is fine even with the obvious fact that it is not. I am nowhere near to admit that I am not okay until I found myself sobbing for hours for all the reasons I could ever think of. From there I know that the time has come for me to accept my defeat; that I can’t be everything all at once. And so I will stop trying to be.
I know I owe my real self an apology, and owe thanks for the people who have patiently stayed beside me. As I’m regaining back my courage to cry when it hurts and scream when I’m having fun, here is a full proof that I am moving towards the light; I stripped myself down to my bare necessities and had profess to you my truth.
If I have learned anything, it is to stop beating yourself up in trying to be perfect and punish yourself if you can’t. It is more than okay to turn your back to the world when it expects you to be someone you are not.
Published by Reann Erilla