Blog #1

A blog way too overdue. I’ve been caught up with life, or maybe just somehow convinced myself that I have. But in reality I’m just lost and all over the place. Well at least I was. Now I guess I’m not as lost? Slowly getting back to where I was. We can’t always be happy and at the top.

I’ve been closing myself off towards everyone. It just felt as if relationships in general were pointless and I forgot how to maintain them or even start one. Think I was too overwhelmed with all the change that has been happening during the past couple of months. Resulting in isolation by choice. It kinda felt like I trapped myself in my own little world with the self-persuasion of the thought of being “too busy” for any relationships. Whether it being a romantic one or just a friendship. It’s just getting too difficult to open up and whenever I try to I have this awful thought in the back of my head. I always tend to subconsciously think that they’re going to leave me anyway so why bother open up and catch feelings. It’s horrible and I’m trying so hard to get rid of that thought. My trust issues are getting worse and I’m always doubtful. I’m constantly wanting reassurance and I’m just a emotional mess at this point.

Okay so my blog is very much overdue and this is actually is a draft from almost over a month ago. It’s quite interesting to “re-read” my forgotten draft blogs and apparently I was a “emotional mess” a month ago. I do admit that I was going through a rather serious slump and depression back then. Which was actually life threatening. It was awful. But now I’m back to my usual self or maybe even more extra. I love that I’m over that dreaded stage and just enjoying the miracle called life. There are some subtle changes in life which I’m surprised about. I’m learning more about myself and also learning not to care as much? Like.. only when it’s totally necessary if that even makes sense.. For the sake of the well being of my mental state I guess. Live for me and for the best of me. Good things usually follow when you do. Overthinking shit is one of the super stressful things I tend to do. Still working on that. Slowly but surely.

My satisfaction level of life at this point is pretty high and honestly I should not be blogging right now. I have a portfolio to finish which is due tomorrow at 11:00. But everything is just super fun and interesting when you’re being chased by deadlines. Yeah.. I probably should get back to work. Future Rose will thank me tomorrow.