How to be a Bad Parent

So, you're here to see the steps on how to become a bad parent, obviously. It's actually quite complex. However, lucky for you, I am here to generously walk you through the 5 step program on being a BP. Let's get started, shall we?

Step 1:

Make your children share. *GASP* I know! How ridiculous of you to ask the tiny human that you brought into this world to share his/her toys. It's like you just kicked them in the kneecap and laughed at them! Afterall, my daughter always says "If you wanted me to share, why did you buy it for ME?" Well, honey, because I assumed it went without saying that you cannot punch kids for touching a $2 stuffed animal you snuck in the cart that I bought because I was just too tired to deal with the meltdown of putting it back. Make them share is step 1 to starting this outrageous terrible parenthood battle.

Step 2:

Ask them to change clothes and bathe. "But, I love this shirt!" Okay dear, the washer would love that shirt too if you ever let them meet! And God forbid you ever pick it up out of the floor while they're sleeping. It automatically becomes a game of cops and robbers in the house all over a very dirty shirt that your child refuses let you wash, let alone take off. I'm almost positive that they would bathe in certain pieces of clothing, if allowed. Which brings me to another point here, make them wash their dirt-playing-mudpie-making-germ-riddled bodies every once in awhile. Smelling, feeling, and looking good is just an insane concept, I know!

Step 3:

Love them even when they're mad at you. The last thing anyone, especially a child, wants when they're mad is someone being all mushy and cuddly. No! There is absolutely no excuse for you to hug your child or kiss their little heads when they are angry with you for giving them the wrong cuppie. That's where they draw their ever-so-wobbly Crayola line.

Step 4:

Make them dinner or just food in general. How dare you slave over a stove for hours when all they want is pizza rolls and Popsicles. Terrible, terrible mother! Casserole with a few of their favorite foods? No way! It looks weird but smells great. But, microwaved burritos have never disappointed their tiny taste buds. An omelet with some bacon on the side? What about their poptarts that are just calling their name in the pantry? This is just getting too out of hand, mom.

Step 5:

Encourage them to do what they love. "So, you mean to tell me that my mother thinks drawing is 'hip' or whatever other lingo she uses that expired years ago?" That isn't allowed! Why would you ever want them to think that you are proud of their choices? How rude of you!

Now that you have completed my 5 step program, I am very proud to crown you a "bad parent". You did a great job at really putting your heart into it, like with those sweaters you knit them every Christmas.

Just know this; if any of these things have you pegged as a "bad parent" be proud of yourself. Go back and read the first little sentence of every step and just task yourself one simple question: "But did they die?" If that answer is no, you may be deemed a BP by the children and their friends, but know that from every other parent's point of view, you are super mom. Congratulations on finishing this program and feel free to make yourself a little #1 Bad Parent ribbon, because I definitely would after the week you've had.

Published by Sabrina


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