Where the Heart Is

With the huge heat wave that has been coming through, I have spent the last few weeks re-watching Grey’s Anatomy. As I sat around and watched another exciting episode, two characters popped onto the screen and caught my attention even more-so than the show had already captured. A couple sat in a room and stated happily how if the man quit smoking, the woman would lose several pounds and then, and then only will they live together. Not to spoil anything, but in the end she starts bleeding out and they take her to emergency surgery to fix an ulcer that developed from malnutrition (not eating enough) and consistently taking aspirin to work past the pains of extreme exercise regimens. She died on the table.

Minutes later the beautiful Dr. Callie Torres started yelling at the boyfriend. She was saying that his girlfriend would not forgive him for what she had become. He claimed he loved her, was looking out for her “health,” but Callie just kept standing her ground and risked her medical career to tell him off. She yelled at him, he did not care about her “health” and well-being, but rather he did not want to be embarrassed, he wanted a “hot piece of arm candy,” that he killed her by making her starve herself and work out so intensely that her bones were so brittle she would fall apart if the wind blew too hard.

Now, this article, has absolutely nothing to do with this show, but these few scenes in this one episode lit up my mind like a Christmas tree. Everybody just wants to be loved. Everybody just wants a companion and with the majority of today’s society, that means doing anything to keep somebody around, even if it is harmful to you in any way.

While on a self-love journey, it may seem like finding that special person will be the answer to your problems. It may seem as though if you could find that Prince Charming (or Princess) and keep them around, then you are worthy of being loved. But here is the thing, if you have somebody in your life: family, friends or a significant other that continuously puts you down about ANYTHING and makes you feel like you are not good enough, truth be told, they do not deserve you.

All I could think about, listening to Callie stick up for her deceased patient was where I used to be before learning how to love myself. I did not think that anybody would find me attractive, and if they did it would not be the right person. I thought that I was not good enough, pretty enough and especially thin enough. I had always heard that you will find love when you least expect it and when you stop looking for that special someone. Honestly, I did not believe it. I thought it was ridiculous; it was a hoax and some sort of an excuse for people who had somebody to love to give to their loved ones that had not yet found their person. But when I said enough was enough, and started to focus on myself, loving who I am, my career, my happiness, my friends and my family, I was happier. Do not get me wrong, I was a very happy person while I harshly judged myself, but I was now able to smile and laugh without feeling as though I was carrying all this weight upon my shoulders. Even though I was not fully confident in my skin, I took the confidence I sometimes had and lived with it. I taught myself how to think that I was worth the time and energy, and soon after that, I found my person.

Surely, I am not going to sit here and type out my personal love story, because like a lot of things, that story is for him and me. But I will tell you all this: I was always so wrapped up in not thinking highly of myself, not thinking I was beautiful and that was what had been holding me back from finding love, but truly, it was not believing in myself and having that radiate onto my exterior. After months of being with my boyfriend, I found out that even during that time in which I hated my appearance and wanted to do anything in my power to change that, the man that is now my boyfriend had thought the exact opposite of what I had. He had seen me as a cute, pretty, fun-loving, talented girl who seemed too shy to be bothered. I had unknowingly kept myself from experiencing certain things because of my insecurities.

I know how many people out there, specifically women and girls of all shapes and sizes who have multiple concerns when it comes to their appearance. The number one concern being that they will end up alone. I sit here today, writing to all of those women, sharing a little tidbit of my personal experience and honestly say that nobody could ever love you as much as you. You are your number one fan, and if you do not see that, then chances are you will end up alone. But if you could find the courage to be you and love every ounce of what and who you are, others will follow. And I promise you, that your prince is just around the corner waiting to sweep you off of your feet and to hold your hand through any appearance you may have. If you find somebody or are with somebody who does not build you up, but rather tears you down for the way you look or act, he is not your prince, but rather your frog. He is somebody that you have met and learned from, taken away experience of how to deal with human life, but is not the person you should be with. You are all beautiful regardless of society’s beauty standards and it is time that you start sweeping you off your own feet – the rest will come when it is time. 

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Published by Samiellie


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