Well, this was it.
After months of agonizing skepticism, I had finally broken up with the man that I thought I was going to marry.
Unfortunately for me, he was already married to the habit of lying, manipulating, and heroin. And I had finally said, "enough."
When I sat on my bed and confronted him with the evidence that he had been using again, he screamed in my face, stormed out, and threatened suicide. It was all very textbook addict behavior, but at the time it was emotionally damaging to my spirit. I wasn't equipped to handle that type of threat, empty or not. And I was devastated.
For weeks after I cried. In fact, that night I went out and got very drunk with a girlfriend. That had always been my remedy for healing: escapism. But what was different, is that in the next few days, I felt a deep need to climb outside myself and look for something bigger. My friends were rich with support and encouraged soul searching. I got into therapy, and I went to Al Anon. And suddenly my tool belt had more than a bottle of vodka in it. And all the way up to present day, I keep collecting.
This was the most pivotal time in my life. I realized, through much mental anguish and torture, that this is not what I wanted my life to be. They say, in program, that it will work until it doesn't, and it just didn't any longer.
It was a long road of substance abuse and victim-hood. It was a major spiral of self pity and the inability to see past my sorrows. It was a lack of self love, self protection, and healthy practices to lift me up and out of a slump. But I had finally turned the corner. From here, there was no looking back.
So now, when I cry on my bedroom floor, it isn't for very long. My feelings are felt, but they are felt with compassion and without a scapegoat. There is no wallowing. There is no black out.
And I pick myself up, and I write. I sing. I take a bath. I read tarot. I live my life fully and do the things that make me happy. I see my friends and I help others in need.
Because my world now is so much bigger than crying on my bedroom floor.
Published by Shawn Engel