While probably damn near everyone is sleeping, I'm up enjoying my favorite time of the day. Late nights, I hate the early mornings though. It's 2:03 am now so once 4 hits, you'll probably get a depressed, why am I not good enough, blog. These past couple of days have not been for me. Although I'm really down, I'm not depressed. That's sad. I've been having this battle with myself trying to figure out wtf is life?Why the hell do I care so much and what the hell is it all for? My mom always says if she didn't have my sister and I depending on her, she'd give up on life all together, I feel her. If It wasn't for them I'd give up too. I've honestly come to the conclusion of life is just a game of fuckin dog eat dog, only the strong will survive & not every pup in the yard gets to put its nose in the bowl.
What's being strong though? Is the person who goes through life physically fighting strong? Or is it the person dealing with life by fighting emotionally? Neither one of them actually! The emotional fighter is usually a push over or something, someone too afraid to fight back physically. They're miserable, you think they don't cry to themselves wishing they had to balls to actually do something? Then the tough guy is clearly emotionally weak, that's why they're always fighting. They have to feel good about themselves somehow right? I bet you damn near everything they fight about is petty, pointless, BULLSHIT! Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but to my knowledge that's how it is. So again, What's being strong? Who's strong?
I've always hated myself for wearing my heart on my sleeve and allowing what others do get to me so much. I'm 21 years old and sadly, I'm ready to get a passport and say fuck America. Fuck people, period. Everyone only cares about themselves, until you show them you don't give a fuck about them. That's when people decided they wanna care. Then there's people who care but are hesitant, or indecisive, I don't get what's so hard about knowing your own feelings or what it is you want. I thought me being the woman, I'm the one that's supposed to be confused?! I don't see how some people can depend on a relationship to make them happy or feel complete? Maybe I'm not doing this relationship thing right because all my relationships have made me feel DUMB and EMPTY.
I'm trying so hard not to go off because y'all know how I can get. I'm just hating myself a lot right now. I feel stupid as SHIT and I'm really fighting back tears. I DONT UNDERSTAND and I don't even know what it is that i'm not fuckin full of shit! I understand people are fuckin liars!I understand people never gave a fuck about me. I understand why I said they weren't my friend. I UNDERSTAND SHIT LOOK HELLA SUSPECT & I understand people better stay tf away from me because yes, I'm disgusted. smh
Published by ShylahBoss Lee