Dear Jane,

Dear Jane,

I met my wife in Washington. I had moved there in October of 2009. Finding employment has never been a problem and I quickly found a job working seasonal at a retail store in the mall. She was there. To see her, your eyes would generally overlook her. Not that she is unattractive or unappealing but she portrays a humble and demure person. Of course, when you get to know her, you will find she has a huge personality; full of life and adventure.

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She, lets call her Jane, welcomed me as a long lost friend. Showing me the ropes we quickly became friends. Her love of life was addictive and overwhelming. I was immediately smitten. Over time my world no longer revolved around me but the sun and stars rose for her. In all reality she grounded me. Jane brought me to earth, gave my life meaning. We often called each other my wife. All our friends just accepted us the way we were. Rarely we were apart and we became so close that the spoken word was unnecessary. She showed me kindness and taught me how to be kind. The anger I had harbored for so long faded away. I calmed and lost all the hurt I had been holding in so long. I was a new person; broken and rebuilt.

Years prior, I had been engaged. Straight out of high school I was, or thought I was, in love with a young, soon-to-be Marine. He was strong and motivated. He could not wait to be shipped off and out. However, I slowly began to realize that I was not a partner but a piece in his life. I was just an object to be placed where he wanted. When I fought the orders and made him see me as a person, the abuse started. I didn’t have the courage to leave at first. Its so profound a thing to but immobile with fear and pain.  The day he signed his enlistment papers I knew I could not be the object he wanted or needed. I left and he shipped out. The pain and torment I went through and put myself through left me an angry shell.

I should explain. I am straight. I have no prejudice against anyone or their orientation. Everyone should love the one who truly loves them back. While Jane and I did not have a sexual relationship, we never the less, were in love. A type of love I have never felt for any of my boyfriends or potential marriage partner. It is amazing that moment were you realize you no longer live for yourself but are alive because of another.  I have come to understand that a lot of the heartache and the anger that come with it are because of relationships that are not complete. I have learned, I hope, that to love someone is beyond gender, color, or creed.

In fall of 2010 I was offered a job in Law Enforcement which I accepted. Jane and I were very excited. She wanted the best for me and knew I would excel in a challenging position. We talked about her moving with me. My job would pay my rent for the 1st year until I was no longer a trainee. I said she could come with me and go to college or do whatever she wished. Things progressed that way until about two months before I was to go to basic academy. She said she found a man that was very kind and satisfied her.

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I was very happy for her and it was decided she would say in Washington until after basic was over. Things progressed with the gentleman and after about 10 months with him she became pregnant. We were overjoyed to have a child in our lives but, of course, trouble began. Her gentleman was far from gentle. He was concerned over our relationship. His motivation was next to zero and his desire to provide for a child or Jane wasn’t a concern. I felt he was intimidated by a woman that could provide better then he could.  He started whispering how much I was a bad influence and wanted to take her away from him.  Now both Jane and I had men who were aware of our close relationship. It had never been an issue in the past but this man choose to make it an issue.

There was nothing I could do from afar and months later when I returned I was not a welcome sight. The child was not allowed around me. I fought against him for a while but I saw how much it hurt Jane to see us at odds. So I stepped back. I watched from afar as my soul was slowly drained from my body. I missed the sapphire blue eyes that used to sparkle with mischief. The conversations we used to have that often lasted late into the night were now short and of general subjects . I knew she was torn and I could not stand to see her so troubled. I asked her once, only once if she would want to come with me to my new duty station. Jane looked at me and smiled, a calm smile and said, “I have no love for him but he is good to the baby and I will not take the child away.” While more was discussed that was the end. She chose the welfare of others who would do her no favors over her own happiness. She knew that I could and would manage. She made a choice that was millennium beyond her wisdom.


I love you, my dearest Wife. Goodbye.

Published by Star Grace

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