To all the boys i've loved

Dear the first, i was always under the impression that you were a mystical creature my mother made up to make it seem like i had more people in my life. You were never home. Never there to hear me speak, never there to see my first steps, never there to teach me how to play baseball or to make lame jokes. Sometimes when you'd make the effort you'd stumble into the house still half drunk, puke resting on the corners of your mouth decorating your shirt. You'd try to make me 'perfect' by reminding me that i was not pretty or smart or good and you'd force me to study harder and eat less in hopes of me becoming good enough. I know that i'm not very grateful for all that you have done.  You would work, hard and you would try to be better and for that i am forever grateful. 

Dear the second,  our love was different. We met at such a young age and fell in love at a young age too. We were best friends for years before i saw you the way you saw me. When we'd kiss for the first time after months of dating i knew you were the one. We were only teenagers, fresh into high school and i couldn't help but fall into your deep coffee eyes. You reminded me of the good in the world and you pushed me to dream. I have only happy things to say to you. We ended strangely, different from our friends and their significant others. August 13th , i still remember, we had been dating for years by then and you were so set on cycling all the way to this dodgy street to get me that necklace. I'm still mad at you for not coming back but i can't really blame anyone but myself.  Even after you died i still loved you for years. I still love you. 

Dear the third, it took me a while to love you . You always complained that i could never love you fully that the second still held a place in my heart. You made me feel better, not numbed or pained. You took it all away. You were patient but you also ever really believed in me and you fed on the vulnerability i felt back then. You taught me how to say no. 

Dear the fourth, i never told you i liked you and even now when i'm far away i still haven't told you. You're amazing. You remind me of the second and your eyes reflect the hope i used to see in his. Maybe one day you'll know. Maybe you won't. Even though we aren't together, you have reminded me to live and enjoy and hope and dream every second of every day. Thank you.