I feel tired today. It’s rainy out, and I’m sure that has something to do with it. I empathize with all the 8-5ers who make the weekly transition from sleeping in as late as we want on the weekends to getting up at 6:30am or earlier for work on Monday.
Last night, I had a little trouble getting to sleep, but once asleep, I slept soundly. I dreamt about work in the morning. I also dreamt about hanging out with my best friend from high school who is traveling the world these days. That dream flowed into another about being in school with a couple other guys. All of us were from the future and needed to hide our cell phones, and one of our cell phones was found! We were reprimanded and transported back to our world.
I deeply enjoyed my meditation time this morning. I am so easily connecting to the love within. During my manifestation session, I envisioned a rich, fulfilling life in Colorado. Working at Whole Foods in the daytime, buying their sustainable clothes for cute wardrobe additions, wearing a warm hat in the winter, bouncing around and dancing to Christmas music during the holidays, smiling and engaging with customers. On the weekends, I’d be skiing in the winter, and hiking in the summer. Also spending precious time cozied up blogging about life and running my health coaching business. Enjoying the company close heart friends, my mountain tribe. A fun line of visualization to go down. Will it manifest? I don’t know. I detach from the outcome! What will be will be.
I also set up my real enema kit, and gave it a go. I experienced some issues with the kinky hose, and I also believe I didn’t hang the bag high enough to allow gravity to assist in the water flow. I’ll try again after work.
Back at work, I completed my nagging morning duties. Much to my dismay, I received a bombardment of 365 referrals for Medicaid applications. 365! AGH! I set myself up with a plan though, I’ll do 5 at a time, and then take a brief break. Otherwise, I may have a mental break!
Physical symptoms: major weakness and fatigue (rainy day syndrome), slightly sore throat, white tongue, ketosis breath, light-headed upon standing, and moving slowly. Just wanna sleep! That being said, I feel calm, centered, peaceful, and relaxed. Morning weigh in: 118.8 pounds, down nearly 10 pounds from Day 2.
It’s funny how little energy I have to do my actual work. But blogging is like the easiest thing ever. Writing feels so good and is actually energizing…if that isn’t the body trying to tell me something, I don’t know what is!
So…much…work. The referrals be pouring in. Tackling them little by little. I know I can handle this. I do feel the stress and tension accumulating in my neck and shoulders. Stomach just growled in rebellion. I hear ya!
People, stop bothering me. PLEASE!
Whoa dang, just had ANOTHER interview with Basalt Whole Foods for a produce position. SO COOL! I can’t believe it. I am stunned that half of my WF applications have received bites and call-backs. Pretty insane. If it’s in the flow, then it will manifest. If not, I let go. As my friend back in Hawaii says, surrender to the flow.
In the afternoon, I sat through a less than engaging meeting. I did learn that the 365 referrals are old ones. New for me, however, and judging from the previous care enrollments in our system, it doesn’t look like these people have been helped necessarily… The overall message I received was that there is no true urgency in getting through all 365 quickly. THANK GOD! I will do some everyday, but not stress about them.
Around 4:30, I came home from work, walked the dogs, and laid down on my bed for 20 minutes after I finished my enema. Apparently, the bag hadn't been high enough so the water didn't flow into me. Well this time, it certainly did. Lots of dark brown diarrhea came out. Like swamp water! While laying down, my body relaxed, but my mind swirled around thinking about Basalt and the logistics (e.g. finding an affordable place, moving, ending my current lease, the dogs, etc.).
I did not want to get up from my bed. Outside, the wind was roaring, and the rain was pouring. A flash flood warning was issued throughout the evening and the night.
A CourageWorks quote from Brene Brown pushed me to my feet, “Having the courage to reckon with our emotions and to rumble with our stories is the path to writing our brave new ending.” Ok, ok, ok, I’ll go do some self-care.
I drove to the ACA meeting, arriving a little late due to crazy 5:30pm traffic. Going to ACA is nonnegotiable at this point in my life. I am committed. The meeting was powerful, and I asked a lady to be my sponsor. She said she'd be honored. I am so excited to work with her and very grateful she said yes. She is an alternative artistic type, to whom I was immediately drawn. My heart said to go for it!
It felt good to be vulnerable in asking her to sponsor me and sharing from the heart during the meeting. The words just flowed right through me. We discussed setting boundaries for ourselves and engaging in self-care. When we honor our boundaries day in and day out and consistently engage in self-care, we build self-esteem, something I've sorely lacked for most of my life. These can be boundaries around food (e.g. abstaining from sugar and flour as in Bright Line Eating, an SOS-free diet as recommended by weight loss expert, Chef AJ), making recovery meetings, working out, engaging in creativity, etc.).
It doesn't matter how many times others give you positive feedback if you think poorly of yourself. We must internalize a positive self-image through repeated loving actions. I am proud of myself for going to the meeting, even when I didn't want to. It was well worth the effort. In the coming weeks, I will DRAG myself there no matter what. The group is a collection of truly remarkable loving souls, and I need as much of that as possible in my life.
Afterwards, the rain had only intensified, but I drove to yin yoga nonetheless. I was the only person there other than the instructor, so I asked him if we could practice restorative and yoga nidra. It was exactly what I needed. My mind did wander to food a few times, but I just watched it go there and didn't follow and get lost down the rabbit hole of obsessive thinking.
It's funny that on nights I go to a meeting I don't want to leave Monroe. There’s a resistance in me about going through another move and all the associated costs, logistics, and what not. As far as my present situation is concerned, all is going quite well, aside from a less than meaningful and rewarding job. I really could see myself staying if I were able to work at the local health food store or be self-employed full-time. I know I could probably manage at my current job for several more months, one day at a time, and focus on generating outside income by blogging and health coaching until I can be full-time self-employed.
I also don't really want to leave Monroe before I've finished working the steps and reach a critical threshold in recovery. My dedication to recovery is growing stronger and stronger. As I keep saying, if Basalt is meant to be, I trust that the right easy options will open up. If not, no worries! I can stick it out here and remain open to changes and opportunities.
I must admit, today was challenging. I was really tired and low energy, which was totally compounded by the weather. Hopefully, it will clear up tomorrow.
I am so very grateful for taking care of myself very well. I am becoming the person I want to be more and more with each passing moment, and that fills me with joy, abundance, and gratitude! Off to read, and slumber. Namaste.
Published by Taylor Norris