This is How You Become Jaded
(or, my attempt to controversially put you in his shoes)
*Trigger warning: graphic material ahead
It hurts, she’s crying, but you are not her. You do not even know her, so why should you help her? Why should you listen to her?
Please, she begs, I’ll do anything, she swears, but you do not care about her, so why should you sympathise with her pain?
She’s struggling, and her lips bleed from where the sharp edge of her teeth cuts into them. You barely notice—you are too preoccupied with something else. It passes by in your periphery and you dismiss it. Her tears fall onto the pillow and they are absorbed quickly, in two seconds. You ignore it then, because they do not exist if you do not see it anymore. The lack of object permanence, you recall from your PSYC 101 lecture, like an infant.
Her heart is breaking, you can hear it. The sobs that force their way from her throat shatters it into a million pieces. Her hope goes like smoke out the window and you close the window so it cannot re-enter. Why reignite the fire if it will burn out?
“Why are you doing this?” she asks.
You want to answer but find that you cannot. There is no reason—there is no inherent reason apart from the fact that you simply can. You decide to ignore her accusation. It is too late to question your actions anyway—what can you do?
She does not struggle anymore. You are the bigger person, so since she has given up on the fight you forgive her for her initial resistance.
It’s okay. It’s fine. It’ll be over anyway.
The wind outside is howling and it is like the sound of two lives gone down the drain.
Published by Valerie Cheng