Hello everyone, although its the first of March and my head is expecting the birds to sing and the bees to start showing amongst the daffodils and the start of the warm weather to hit us, instead as I write this I’m looking at the flurries of white snow in the air, holding a tissue to my nose now and again to stop it running and drinking honey and lemon tea to avoid another damn cold.
I have written for a while, I moved house in October and I admit that my heart hasn’t been as passionate, the depression I suffer and I’m sure to have said in many other blog posts that we don’t all need to keep reading about has once again taken hold of my passions and goals and I am stumbling around waiting to melt with creativity. Catch my blizzard yet?
After talking to a couple of friends, yes I do have them and sitting away mulling over what I could write and not want it to be another mental health preach of a speech blog post, and having just woken up from a nap because my head was over clouding my mind, the blog post finally came to shed light in my head. Failure, Obstacle or belief.
Now you're probably expecting my scrawny handwriting and some tally chart of my life on all the things I feel that should fit into categories, and expect me to explain what I mean right? Well, I’m going to take it one step further.
To my family it is no surprise that I am turning 28 this summer, I have carers who have to come in and remind me to take my medication, wash my hair, make sure I eat healthily and so forth that it also makes me want to write this blog post more. I want to explain why I feel those three things, and why shouldn’t I feel a different way. Are you with me yet?
When I was 15/16 and many other friends and students of a high school called Penair, we had to choose what we wanted to do in college. Due to problems and various things I never studied for my GCSE’s and how I managed to even scrape a pass is beyond me to this day but I sat down and took on hairdressing now that I think about it and sitting there applying for college it was an easy route to follow and I vowed to myself that I would find my dream career I just didn’t know what it was yet so I thought I would take something I thought was easy as a way of not being ‘left behind”. Fast forward 10years and believe me I feel old saying that and I’m expecting people to say whatever, I still don’t know where my lifelong career or dream aspirations are. I get to write on My Trending stories, and to be recognised from my old blog on word press and invited to write for them although I fail to do so on regular months due to reasons, it is still a dream come true that hundreds of people take the time to read my work even if I know them or not. And to me that's one dream of the many in my heart but one of the few I have successfully succeeded.
Okay so I don’t ramble on and go off track, I’m now going to share with you my most personal intimate goals to some of you they are simple, for others they may seem understandable.
- I wanted a family by the age of 30.
- To find my dream career and earn to keep my family secure.
- To own my own home.
- To have a social life.
- To mean something to someone.
The reason I then wanted to direct my goals into these categories will surely be explained as I go on, so whilst I’m sitting my honey and lemon drink and running nose and trying to not have these tears fall from my eyes, I am also hugely afraid of how this blog post will be portrayed to my nearest and dearest.
So let us start with goal number one, this is categories to me as a failure.
I adore children I have always dreamed of having my own daughter and son, and giving them both everything I can, maybe to be a stay at home mum or someone who works hard to provide, it is no secret that regardless of money career or anything else I have always wanted to experience pregnancy and become a mother.
Reasons why I feel that this falls under the failure category of my life isn’t because I haven’t done it yet, is because I remember it clearly as I do now September 2012 I was walking into the doctors trying to find out why I wasn’t having a monthly cycle to be then told I couldn’t have children, I walked out of the doctors room, picked up the phone and told my then boyfriend now ex, I cant have kids. He was unable to be with me at that time and then revealed he had cheated on me and gotten. Girl six weeks pregnant behind my back, believe me, it wasn’t long before that ended. The reason it becomes a failure to this day is that I watched peoples Instagrams of people who I grew up with having two three children possibly more, experiencing something I may never get to feel and I feel as a woman I’m going to be brutal. I'm a shit one.
Which brings to point number 2. I want to say failure but I feel this is more of an obstacle now that I have gotten wiser. I feel this way because I have varied interests, creative writing, blogging, music, beauty, mental health. Yet they have never deep down wanted me to make a career out of that. I read on a website more UK 18-year-olds than ever before gained places in university across the United Kingdom in 2016 which is marvellous, rating at 465,000 people aiming for higher education.
I'm not envious of those who choose that path. I guess I’m at an obstacle more than a failure because studying from books or being taught something in class never has truly aspired me to go further in my education. I never finished college, I have never wanted to go to university, and my younger self was afraid of the reactions of people and family around me that because I knew deep down I was meant for greater things whatever that may be.
Point number 3 -comes down to belief, Its no secret that I’m a Christian, and I struggle every day more so in these moments but when it comes to my own home a materialistic thing that will mean nothing in the next life and its one of the commandments to not want what you don’t have, to then trolling through Instagram and wondering how people did it, or why is there life so easy? Is kind of a hard subject. We are bought up in this world religious or not believe that once you have your own family, partner married or not and a roof over your head that you have earned every cent of a mortgage to pay towards that you are doing something right in life. I have seen people in shock when I say my home is council owned and I'm very lucky to live independently but why is it that these days as time goes ahead to the future, not the past that the society has to label us with poor or middle class or rich and famous because of the materialism or the amount of savings we have or little debts we have become a huge judgement regardless of being a Christian or not. The reason why I chose this to be under beliefs is I count my prayers and god for helping me have a lovely home at last now that I’ve moved but yet society tells us we are not worthy in a society of those things until we have them. I'm a firm believer in prayer, but money… not so much.
Point number 4 is something I feel has become a failure. I grew up in the south west of the UK, I believed and still cared for the friends I called friends, I grew up with teenage dramas and bullying but I also believed that we would be in touch forever - yeah that didn’t happen. Yet 100% of my friends live elsewhere as I sit up here on the south-east and I feel lost not speaking to them, I often wonder to my friends even the ones I’ve made in Ipswich if I’ve ever been good enough, sociable enough, interested in enough to ensure I have happier memories? To have the right hobbies or same music taste just to fit in. Now that I’ve grown up I also wonder why I’m now all of a sudden the outsider, from someone who challenges me because I cannot work and not understanding why, and she was one of my best friends who saved my life in many ways, to others turning their noses at me because I chose to believe and walk a place with god even though I stumble literally every day failing him but I get up trying again and again until he calls me home. I often wonder if I failed them. Ones I cared about and still cared about, was I never enough to be in the elite circle? I’m sure you get the idea.
Point number 5 is the hardest to write.
It falls into all three of the categories, failure, obstacle and belief.
On a good day, I have chatted with my dad, any worries have been worked out and I believe and know he loves me regardless of everything all these years he is still standing by me at almost 28 years and has never given up on me. I believe truly I know and have unconditional love and support and I mean something to him.
How it becomes an obstacle is I’m rubbish at other relationships, my mental health sides play a huge part, I never feel good enough and I sit there and think when I’m in a relationship and I’ve been to a fair few bad ones always think the worst, so I try to keep my heart ice and cold believing that everyone is going to be the same. I also am trying hard to overcome this but as I get older I find it so much harder than I realise and I often feel very alone in this thought.
And why this falls under belief is because I can count many times how much I’ve prayed to find the one. To be with the one God wants me to be and to do things right, to believe a man will sweep me off my feet in the right way and do what the bible tells a husband should do. Yet in society again this also makes finding the ‘one’ sometimes I feel near impossible. I just got out of a relationship for the first time in years that I never had sexual intercourse with, when I told him on the second date he respected me and was willing to try for the sake of what I believed in. How many men are there out there willing to do that anymore? Where are the old-fashioned princes and not all these frogs? I often believe my knight in shining armour took the wrong turn and got stuck somewhere so that's why its taking longer. I believe everyone has someone.. but I’m getting impatient!
I hope you all have a good week and enjoy this different blog post and would to know your thoughts.
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Hope to be writing another post soon and have a wonderful week.
Published by Viccie Hughes