Hello everyone, and welcome back if you're a regular freaking reader and special hello if your new and I hope you check out the rest of my posts!
Quick heads up - UK giveaway runs until April 17th at 3 pm UK time I'll announce the winner so please make sure you look at the post and go and enter!!
Today I wanted to write a post that I would like to share with people in hope of inspiring or helping, but before I go into details, I am not a medical professional in these issues and this is only a continuation of a video I made not long ago on my bipolar disorder which you can watch here. Real Talk: my Bipolar Disorder For those of you who are new, it would be a good starter to watch that video first before carrying on reading this post, the only reason I didn't do another video linking to that is sadly my camera is broken and I am currently unable to film unless using my iPhone which I detest.
I titled this bl0g post 'Honesty' because whenever I see mental health or that relating topic in the news or in bloggers or videos, immediately i feel like i cannot bare to watch it, even though the mental health in everyone is different and or something similar to probably what I may have encountered, I sometimes just cannot avoid floods of tears when I see someone else go through something similar to my own experiences or something I haven't experienced and I want to jump through that screen and hug them and tell them there going to get through it, because at times when I am honestly at my darkest, that is what I honestly need the most.
If you don't know me already, I am 26 years old, with the baby face of an 18-year-old I like to see or feel, I swear I don't age!
I live in East Anglia and the sunny side of the UK in a city called Suffolk.
But I also have so much that people do not see about me on a day to day basis and I hope with this blog post it might be an eye opener to making sure you don't feel alone!
For a brief background of me, I grew up when I was a child in a place called Cornwall, very south-west of the UK, I was born with my mental health disabilities, but was not discovered until October 2010 by a medical professional in this field.
I hope that's a good grasp of a little bit of my background before I begin this post.
October 2010 was the year I finally knew I had something wrong with myself, in my youtube video to do with bipolar I briefly explained how I was diagnosed, that I am on medication and some of the help I have now.
What I didn't share with the world of social media that I am sharing today with you all in this written format, is at 26years old I have a lot of care put in place.
What I mean by this is, with regards to my mental health disabilities, I have been unable to properly work for seven years since October 2010.
I have people come in morning and evening to make sure I am eating properly, that I have taken my medication, and I am genuinely okay.
What I have been diagnosed with is the following, I have inserted Wikipedia information etc for those who need a brief idea of what is what.
A.D.H.D (although I have A.D.D) - Adult attention deficit disorder (AADD) refers to the psychiatric condition currently known as attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) (also known as attention deficit disorder (ADD)) when it occurs in adulthood.
Borderline Personality Disorder - Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as an emotionally unstable personality disorder, is a long-term pattern of abnormal behaviour characterised by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions.
Bipolar Disorder -a mental condition marked by alternating periods of elation and depression.
Oppositional defiant disorder - (ODD) is defined by the DSM-5 as "a pattern of angry/irritable mood, argumentative/defiant behaviour, or vindictiveness lasting at least six months".
Self-harm addiction - can become addictive. It may start off as an impulse or something you do to feel more in control, but soon it feels like the cutting or self-harming is controlling you. It often turns into a compulsive behaviour that seems impossible to stop.
As you read the brief summaries of those, I'm sure your thinking wow, that's madness or I feel so sorry for you, or is a mental nutcase... believe me I have had all kinds of reactions. The one I do ask don't feel sorry for me because of it's part of life, some have so many mental health issues, some never experience any, I don't need a hug or a crying shoulder, I ask that people become aware of it more, and not afraid of it.
So why am I sharing this and writing this post?
Over the years of never knowing when I was a child/teenager of why I felt the way I do, I always found myself unable to express and talk about it back then also, I didn't know why this occurred or why my moods went the way they did, or why I wanted to hurt myself or feel suicidal, but from feeling so embarrassed and unable to talk about it until now, I wanted to write this and say talk to someone, its so easy to hide away how you feel, how your hurting emotionally and lock down that side of you, to lash out in other ways, or sadly drink or take drugs and so forth, mental health has been brought up to be much more aware these days, there are times we feel so scared to say anything with the way social media is or other things about people's reactions even though it's a much more broad topic to now talk about that we often at our honest lowest do not know how to handle it and don't know how to open our mouths and say what's really hurting us emotionally, I have experience in not opening my mouth and not wanting to say a word to anyone when I was younger to almost trying to commit suicide as I was older with how I felt on a fair few occasions.
When I made my video on my Bipolar Disorder I really was worried about the backlash on how it would be on social media, I didn't expect to get 120views and couple of people talking to me and feeling like I did a good thing about speaking about it and hopefully my goal was to make awareness and help someone.
But Bipolar Disorder is just one of the few things I have, I don't like using the word 'disability' even though it's labeled that way about the issues I face on a day to day challenging basis, I like to say within myself they are just problems I have to keep jumping over hurdles to get to the next chapter and sometimes they are harder than other days.
Some people don't realise these issues are also genetic, there is a 50% chance in my life that I could genetically pass this onto my child when and if I decided to have children, growing up with a lot of emotional pains and not really knowing from other experiences how to deal with this in the correct way, my heavy heart hurts to know that I could pass that difficulty to my child son or daughter and have known this for a while I really know and hate that I could potentially put a lot of this on them, there is not a doubt in my mind that it would destroy me if I had passed them something or just one of these issues to deal with. So for my future, i will always be until its right undecided about kids.
Which then leads onto the part about dating/relationships.
I have a brilliant relationship with my father, I can tell him anything and everything and he will always is my knight in armour ready to help me or help me deal with an obstacle I have to face, alongside my church family.
But the biggest battles I face on a day to day basis is Friendships / Relationships / Family. - some people who know me choose to think I have made up what's wrong and cannot seem to put their head around it and tend to ignore the situation, that's okay, you don't have to believe it yourselves and I don't need to prove anything with medical reports or waste time on making you see the truth, I'm okay with people not accepting it, it's a sad reality in life but it happens.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Secondly to the relationship sides of my life is dealing with it with me or helping me through it, at the age of 26years old and being so disorganised which is why my blog posts are never regular or on a weekly basis, I have to have a lot of help and support on day to day tasks, reminding me from taking my medication to reminding me that bills need paying - or for my case at this present time, paying my bills and helping me manage my finances (which someone does do for me) as I am currently unable to a lot of daily tasks myself which has resulted from me being in a huge amount of debt and loss, I also know now that I am grateful every day from anyone who in my life tries to help me from the smallest thing to the biggest things medical professional or not, I wouldn't be here without that.
I suppose to come to a conclusion of this post, I hope that if you know me in person or you don't know me at all, I hope you realise that being there for someone who suffers with all the same things or similar things or just one of those things, that having that ear, that compassion and the ability to just be there in their times of need, is the biggest and most meaningful thing that anyone who battles with Mental Health can need.
Part of me never wanted to share this openly and honestly with the world of the internet, I still have days and nights where I'm so ashamed of myself and for having these issues, and the reason I am honestly opening up to anyone who reads this out there in the world of social media and the internet is because I don't want to feel ashamed and or hate myself anymore because I have issues.
These issues are frustrating, annoying, depressing, hurtful at times, but they don't define me, which what I mean by this is, that they don't make up the person I am, yes there are times they make me weak and I'm at loss, but they definitely do not define who I am as a person, my faith, my friends and family, and they are definitely not what makes me who I am.
I never wanted to walk out my house a few years ago when I came to realise I needed help with a lot of things in my life, I didn't want to open up and tell people when I started to get to know them so they could be aware and understand it's not easy, I honestly didn't want to tell my friends at school and I honestly hated myself for a very long time.
I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone else, I hope i can stress this enough that whatever mental health or even anything else you suffer or have to deal with on a day to day basis, know that these two things - 1, your not alone, and 2, it doesn't define you as a person - so don't let it, i know from exepriences that its harder to do and easy to say, but i hope you know that your a beautiful person, and sometimes we just get thrown obsticals in life that we have to face everyday, but what we do with our day and who we are as a person stands out more than what we battle within ourselves.
Lastly, talking to someone who you can trust, or several people, is always a massive thing, becasue they may not know how to deal with, but they can help you get through your darker moments and you feeling suffocated by it.
I want to thank people in my life personaly family, friends and even ex boyfriends who have actullay helped in one way or another with this and have had to put up with me at times (haha!)
I honestly hope this was good post, and someone out there feels encouraged, cause if you do, know your amazing and dont let anyone tell you your not.
I have things going on in my life at the moment that I dont want to share honestly, but I hope to regualr write a blog post each week soon as Im able to.
Thank you for reading this, I also thank the 3,000 people who have stopped by to see my website. It measn so much!
See you all soon!
Lots of love,
Published by Viccie Hughes